# Funny joke, story, etc post



## GeorgiaVol (Dec 23, 2008)

I had to start one so I had a place to post some of these for everyone.  Feel free to post your own.

*Two Blind Pilots                     *

                       Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.                       Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.                       The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into t heir magazines, secure in the knowledge that the pl ane is in good hands.                       In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."


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## GeorgiaVol (Dec 23, 2008)

*Czech Dissident*

 Through the center of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along. In          one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious          young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and aCzech dissident.          Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then            is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits            the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face, and            the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.          The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, theRussian            soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slap shim one!"          The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier,he'd            rather kiss that old hag than me."          The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steal            the kiss and I get slapped."          And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through            the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping aRussian            soldier."


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## RICKJJ59W (Dec 23, 2008)

Here ya go...


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## GeorgiaVol (Dec 23, 2008)

Engineering history lesson

 It's not very often that we ask why things are the way
 they are but here's an answer for you, The US standard railroad gauge
 (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That is an
 exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way
 they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English
 expatriates. Why did the English build them that way? Because the first
 rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad
 tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that 
 gauge?

 Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools
 that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. So
 why did the wagons have that particular odd spacing? Well, if they 
 tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of 
 the old, long distance roads in England, because that was the spacing of 
 the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? The first long 
 distance roads in England were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. 
 The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? The ruts 
 in the roads, which everyone had to match for fear of destroying their
 wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots 
 were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter
 of wheel spacing. The US standard railroad gauge of 4 feet-8.5 inches
 derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war
 chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time
 you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's arse came up
 with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots
 were made just wide enough to accommodate the back end of two war
 horses. Thus we have the answer to the original question. Now for the
 twist to the story. When we see a space shuttle sitting on it's
 launching pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the
 main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are
 made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the
 SRB's might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had
 to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad
 line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The
 tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track
 is about as wide as two horses' rumps. So, a major design feature of
 what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system has
 determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's arse!
 Don't you just love engineering?


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## cyberdigger (Dec 23, 2008)

That's amusing!! James Burke?[] -Charlie


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## lego110 (Dec 23, 2008)

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. 

 On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

 The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

 A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

 The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

 Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

 With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."


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## OsiaBoyce (Dec 23, 2008)

I went the other week to buy a dog from a feller. When I got there he had probably had 30 dogs. "Eat much?" I ask. He reaches in the back of his truck and grabs a sack of turnips and dumps them in the dogs pen. They attack the turnips like they were starving. "Man,I aint never seen nothing like that. My dogs would never eat a turnip." "Funny" he says "These dogs would'nt eat em either for the first two weeks."


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## OsiaBoyce (Dec 23, 2008)

A pinguin is driving through the desert. Has car trouble and has it towed to a shop. Waddles down to the grocer and get in the frozen food. Has fish sticks and ice cream, just a good ol' time. Remembering about the car he makes his way to the shop. When he shows up the mechanic says "Looks like ya blown a seal.". "Naw it's only ice cream." says the penguin.


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## glass man (Dec 23, 2008)

> ORIGINAL: OsiaBoyce
> 
> A pinguin is driving through the desert. Has car trouble and has it towed to a shop. Waddles down to the grocer and get in the frozen food. Has fish sticks and ice cream, just a good ol' time. Remembering about the car he makes his way to the shop. When he shows up the mechanic says "Looks like ya blown a seal.". "Naw it's only ice cream." says the penguin.


   THAT IS SICK PAT! KINDA LIKE THE JOKE THAT GOES"HEY WHEN YOU WAS A KID DID YOU BLOW BUBBLES?" "WELL ,BUBBLES IS BACK AND IS LOOKING FOR YOU"![8D]


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## cyberdigger (Dec 23, 2008)

I don't get it.. [8|][8|][8|][8|][8|]


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## glass man (Dec 24, 2008)

C YBER SOME JUST CAN'T TELL A JOKE! I WILL EDIT IT SO MAYBE YOU WILL GET IT![DID YOU BLOW BUBBLES WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE?[]]


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## cyberdigger (Dec 24, 2008)

I blow bubbles now.. []


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## cc6pack (Dec 24, 2008)

Tickle Me Elmo

 There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. 

 Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. 

 The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

 He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. 

 The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. 

 She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. 

 The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. 

 The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...' 


 'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles


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## cyberdigger (Dec 24, 2008)

[][][][][][][][]


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## cc6pack (Dec 24, 2008)

Dinner

 A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. 

 Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 

 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 

 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. 

 They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and 
 he shares his. She listens. 

 After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. 

 The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 


 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 

 'No,' she replies. . .










 'You just happened to catch my eye.'


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## glass man (Dec 24, 2008)

GOOD ONE DENNIS![]


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## glass man (Dec 24, 2008)

> ORIGINAL: cyberdigger
> 
> I blow bubbles now.. []


     [][][]


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## capsoda (Dec 24, 2008)

OK, OK, OK....

 A duck walks into a bar and just stands there until the bartender says, "Whatcha want duck" and the duck asks, "Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "No" and the duck leaves.

 The next day the duck walks into the bar and again when asked what he wants the duck says, "You got any nails" and the bartender says, "No, I told ya yesterday I aint got any nails". So the duck goes away.

 The third day the duck came in and the bartender says, "Duck if you ask if I have any nails I will nail your feet to the floor and kick you like a soccer ball right out the door"!!! So the duck looks the bartender straight in the eyes and said, "Do you have any hammers" and the bartender screamed "NOOOOO" and the duck says "Well then, ya got any nails"!!!!


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## glass man (Dec 24, 2008)

[][][]


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## ktbi (Dec 24, 2008)

These are from the Washington Post a few years ago. Readers were asked to take any word, change one letter and supply a new definition.


*Bozone* â€“ The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.


*Foreploy* â€“ Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.


*Cashtration* â€“ The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.


*Sarchasm* â€“ The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.


*Osteopornosis* â€“ A degenerate disease.


*Glibido* â€“ All talk and no action.


*Ignoranus* â€“ A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Merry Christmas.....Ron


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## Wilkie (Dec 24, 2008)

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

 The horse falls into a mud hole and was sinking.

 He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

 The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmers mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

 He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

 A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole.

 The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

 The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!"

 So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my "thingy" and pull yourself up". And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

 The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a mercedes to pick up a chick!


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## ktbi (Dec 24, 2008)

*Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -* 

*FIRST TESTIMONY*: 
 I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and 
 asked loudly, 
 "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around 
 and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... 
 He knew better. 
*SECOND TESTIMONY*: 
 I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was 
 unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for 
 several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen 
 who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without 
 thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens 
 balls" 
*THIRD TESTIMONY*: 
 My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a 
 variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the 
 boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, 
 I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh 
 hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. 
 To this day, 
 My sister has never let me forget. 
*FOURTH TESTIMONY* : 
 While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release 
 some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of 
 her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. 
 I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be 
 punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice 
 just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell 
 Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The 
 silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the 
 tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my 
 dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last 
 thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of 
 laughter. 
*FIFTH TESTIMONY*: 
 Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My 
 three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I 
 was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick 
 lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. 
 While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, So of course I 
 checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized 
 that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed 
 to go, And he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an 
 accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are 
 you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he 
 replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the 
 smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did 
 you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, 
 Bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" 
 While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he 
 calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel 
 better, Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! 
*LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY*: 
 This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very 
 embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think 
 before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get 
 any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed 
 to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So 
 Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did 
 HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing 
 so hard! 

 ---Happy Holidays to Everyone.....Ron


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## Stardust (Dec 24, 2008)

[align=center]THESE ARE GREAT EVERYONE![/align][align=center]THE BEST I HAVE RIGHT NOW CAME FROM MATT[/align][align=center]THIS IS A REALLY NICE POST[/align][align=center]WE ALL NEED  A GOOD LAUGH RIGHT NOW![/align][align=center]HOPE IT LASTS LIKE THE EVER READY BATTERY[/align][align=center]AND[/align][align=center]GOES ON AND ON......[][/align]


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## Stardust (Dec 25, 2008)

[ul][ul][ul][ul] 

 [/ul][/ul][/ul]*[size="+3"]Santa Must be a Woman[/size]*[ul][ul][ul][ul][size="+1"]The Truth, as We All Know . . . . . . .[/size]  [size="+1"]I think Santa Claus is a  woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.  Think about it.  Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off![/size]  [size="+1"]For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting  gifts until Christmas Eve.  Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on  the shelves.  On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.[/size]  [size="+1"]Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the  bag.[/size]  [size="+1"]Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.  First of  all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted  and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended.   Blitzen's rack would already be on  the  way to the taxidermist.[/size]  [size="+1"]Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation  problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.[/size]  [size="+1"]Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:[/size] 
   [ul][*] [size="+1"]Men can't pack a bag.[/size][*] [size="+1"]Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.[/size][*] [size="+1"]Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.[/size][*] [size="+1"]Men don't answer their mail.[/size][*] [size="+1"]Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."[/size][*] [size="+1"]Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.[/size][*] [size="+1"]Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.[/size][*] [size="+1"]Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.[/size][/ul][size="+1"]I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........[/size] [ul][*] [size="+1"]Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous - definite guy.[/size][*] [size="+1"]Cupid flies around carrying weapons.[/size][*] [size="+1"]Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.[/size][/ul][size="+1"]Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.[/size]  [size="+1"]But not St. Nick.  Not a chance.[/size][/ul][/ul][/ul][/ul][/ul]


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## cc6pack (Dec 27, 2008)

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , 

 Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.' 


 You must now refer to them as 


 APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS . 

 And furthermore 


 HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 


 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
 ' BREASTED AMERICAN.' 


 2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is 


 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.' 


 3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 


 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.' 


 4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 


 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.' 


 5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 


 ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.' 


 6. She is not a 'TWO- BIT HOOKER' - She is a 


 ' LOW COST PROVIDER.' 


 HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 


 1. He does not have a ' BEER GUT' - He has developed a 

 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.' 


 2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 


 ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN ' 


 3. He does not ' GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 

 ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.' 


 4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 

 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.' 


 5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 

 RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.' 

 (Loved this one!) 


 6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 

 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'


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## cyberdigger (Dec 27, 2008)

*If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in                                  Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have                                  $49.00 today** If                                  you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one                                  year ago, you will have $33.00                                  today.* *If                                  you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman                                  Brothers one year ago, you will                                  have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth                                  of beer one year ago, drank all the beer and                                  then turned in the aluminum cans for a recycling                                  refund, you will have received                                  $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current                                  investment plan is to drink heavily &                                  recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found                                  that the average American walks                                  about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans                                  drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a                                  year.
That means that, on average, Americans                                  get about 41 miles to the                                  gallon!*


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## Stardust (Dec 27, 2008)

ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE AT THE HOSPITAL TOLD ME THIS:

 WHAT DOES SANTA LIKE BEST ABOUT CHRISTMAS?
 HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE NAUGHTY GIRLS LIVE.  
 H[], H[], H[], H[8D]


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## tigue710 (Dec 27, 2008)

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![]

 this is a fun joke if ya can do a good Irish accent...

 two Irish gents are sitting at a bar in Boston drinking, when the first over hears the second ordering his drink...

 he says to the second, "scuse me lad, but do I hear a wee bit of an accent in yer voice?"

 to which the second replies "why yes, yes ya doo!"

 "well then" says the first, "if ya doen mind me askin, where in Ireland do ya hail from?"

 to which replies the second "why the county Cork, Blarney to be exact"

 to which the first replies "why Im from Blarney, county Cork!!!  I grew up on St. Mary's Street!"

 to which the second replies "Why I grew up on St. Mary's street too!  There are but three houses on St Marys street, if ya doen mind me askin, which house did ya grow up in?"

 The first replies "why the second house, second floor" to which the second replies, "I grew up in the second house on the second floor!, lord almighty!"

 Just at this moment the bartenders are changing shifts.  The new bartender asks the old, "anything much happen today Jim?"  To which Jim replies, no, nothing much, but the Murphy brothers are drunk again!


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## cc6pack (Dec 28, 2008)

Boudreaux and the crabgrass 

 Boudreaux was paddling his pero down on the bayou and he passed by Thibodaux's camp. 

 Thibodaux ax, "What dat you got in that pero."

 Boudreaux say, "Crabgrass- Me gonna go catch me some crabs, me."

 Thibodaux laughs and say, "You fool, you can't catch crabs with crabgrass."

 An hour later Boudreaux comes back with a boat load of crabs and show them to Thibodaux.



 The next day Boudreaux was paddling his pero and passed by Thibodaux's camp again. 

 Thibodaux ax, "What dat you got in that pero."

 Boudreaux say, "Duck-tape- Me gonna go catch me some ducks, me."

 Thibodaux laughs and say, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duck-tape."

 An hour later Boudreaux comes back with a boat load of ducks and show them to Thibodaux.



 The next day Boudreaux was paddling his pero and passed by Thibodaux's camp again. 

 Thibodaux ax, "What dat you got in that pero."

 Boudreaux say, "Pussiwillow."

 Thibodaux say, "Wait a minute, I'm going wid you. "


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## GeorgiaVol (Jan 2, 2009)

This is an article submitted to a 1999 *Louisville Sentinel* contest to 
 find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize. 

 Christmas With Louise 

 As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace 
 before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What 
 they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every  
 Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor 
 pantyhose hung sadly empty. 

 One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and 
 went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at 
 Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. 

 If you've never been in an X-rated store , don't go. You'll only confuse 
 yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? 
 You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the 
 inflatable doll section. 

 I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as 
 a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. 

 Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different 
 models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do 
 things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled  for Lovable 
 Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll 
 took a huge leap of imagination. 

 On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to 
 life. 

 My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning 
 hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose 
 with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank 
 what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled 
 for a couple of hours. 

 The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house 
 and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog 
 confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some 
 more. 

 We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the 
 family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas  
 dinner. 

 My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the 
 hell is that?" she asked. 

 My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." 

 "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. 

 I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. 

 "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. 

 "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her in to the 
 dining room. 

 But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" 

 Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one 
 wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang 
 on!" 

 My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and 
 said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" 

 I told him she was Jay's friend. 

 A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not  
 just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this 
 might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. 

 The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who 
 was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like 
 my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty 
 hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. 

 The cat screamed. I p assed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa 
 ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering 
 mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet 
 his pants. 

 Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. 

 It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. 

 Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide 
 the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that  Louise had suffered from 
 a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. 

 Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to 
 perfect health!  


 And may you be healthy this New Year, even if it takes duct tape to do it!!!!


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## GeorgiaVol (Jan 3, 2009)

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.  After all the 
  background checks, interviews and testing were done,  there were 3 finalists --two men and a woman.  For the final test, 
  the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal 
  door and handed him a gun. 



  'We must know that you will follow your 
 instructions no matter what the circumstances.  Inside the room you 
  will find your wife sitting in a chair ... Kill Her!!' 


 The candidate said,'You can't be serious.  I 
 could never shoot my wife.' 



  The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man 
  for this job.  Take your wife and go home.' 
 
  The second man was given the same instructions.  He 
 took the gun and went into the room.  All was quiet for about 5 
  minutes.  The man came out with tears in his eyes. 
 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' 


  The agent said, 'You don't have what it 
  takes.  Take your wife home.' 




  Finally, it was the woman's turn.  She was given 
  the same instructions, to kill her husband.  She took the 
 gun and went into the room.  Shots were heard, one after 
  another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on 
  the walls. 


  After a few minutes, all was quiet.  The door opened 
  slowly, and here stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her 
  brow.  'This gun is loaded with blanks,' she said. 'I 
  had to beat him  to death with the chair.' 




  MORAL: 




  Women are crazy. Don't mess with them!


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Jan 3, 2009)

LOVE THIS!!!


   Last year at  Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
   traditional feast.  Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided
   to play a trick. She told my  sister that she needed something from the
    store.

   When my sister left, my  mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed
   the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish  hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and
   re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed  the bird(s) back in the oven.

   When it was time for dinner, my sister  pulled the turkey out of the
   oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her  serving spoon hit
   something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. 

   With a look of total shock on her face,  my mother exclaimed,
   'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!'

   At the reality of this horrifying news,  my sister started to cry. It   took the family two hours to convince her that  turkeys lay eggs!

 Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE![/align]


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## OsiaBoyce (Jan 3, 2009)

A 6 & 4 yo decided to take up cussing. The 6 yo says "I'm gonna use heck and you use butt when we talk to mom" At breakfast the mother ask the 6 yo what he wants for breakfast. "Aw heck ma just gimme some Lucky Charms" she slaps him across the floor and sends him to his room. She then ask the 4yo what he wants. He says "I don't know but ya can bet your fat butt it want be Lucky Charms."


----------



## pyshodoodle (Jan 5, 2009)

Saw this bumper sticker today and had to take a picture.[]


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Jan 5, 2009)

The Worldâ€™s Funniest Real Ads                     
                                           Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:                     

 Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.                     

 FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.                     

 Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male. 

 For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.                      

 Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.                     

 Lost:  small brown poodle.  Reward.  Neutered. Like one of the family.                      

 For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.                      

 Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.                      

 Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.                      

 Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.                      

 Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.                      

 Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.                      

 Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. 

 Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. 

 Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour?  We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.  Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.                     

 Our sofa seats the whole mob and itâ€™s made of 100% Italian leather.                     

 Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty.  Like New.  Slight urine smell.                     

 Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.                     

 Joining nudist colony!  Must sell washer and dryer $300. 

 Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts 

 Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while.  Better be reward. 

 Exercise equipment:  Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.                     

 ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER. 

 Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old.  Hateful little dog.                     

 Free puppies: Â½ cocker spaniel, Â½ sneaky neighborâ€™s dog.                     

 Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.                     

 German Shepherd, 85 lbs.  Neutered.  Speaks German.  Free. 

 Snow Blower for saleâ€¦only used on snowy days.                     

 Billâ€™s Septic Cleaning: â€œWe Haul American-Made Products."                     

 Cows, calves never bredâ€¦also 1 gay bull for sale.                     

 Nice Parachute â€“ Never opened.  Used once.                     

 Hummels â€“ Largest selection ever.  "If itâ€™s in stock, then we have it!"                     

 1 man, 7 women hot tub.  $850/offer.                     

 Shakespeareâ€™s Pizza.  Free chopsticks. 

 Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.                     

 Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.


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## whitefeather (Jan 7, 2009)

To cc6pack    I just read what you wrote I was laughing so hard I could not see the screen... thanks    

 A Blondes tex -message
 Can you help me? I have locked my keys in the car and it is raining and the windows are down.    From my 8 year old grandaughter who is aa blonde.


 Whitefeather


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## ktbi (Jan 8, 2009)

GeorgiaVol - I liked those.  Reminds me one I heard:

 For sale:  Ex-Wife, take over payments...

 Ron


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Jan 10, 2009)

*This is a hoot ... 
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS'...

In order to continue getting-by in a multi-cultural society, we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following  conversation until you are able to understand the term 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS'. 

With a little patience, you'll be  able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and the  room-service operator somewhere in the good old U S A today...... 

Room Service : 'Morrin. Roon sirbees.'

Guest : 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.'

Room Service: ' ** .  Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???'**

Guest: 'Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.'

Room Service: 'Ow July den?'

Guest: '....What??'

Room Service: 'Ow July den?!?.. Pryed, boyud, poochd?' 

Guest: 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please.'

Room Service: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?' 

Guest: 'Crisp will be fine.'

Room Service: 'Hokay. An Sahn toes?' 

Guest: 'What?'

Room Service: 'An toes. July Sahn toes?'

Guest: 'I... Don't think so.'

RoomService: 'No? Judo wan sahn toes???'

Guest: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.' 

RoomService: 'Toes! Toes!..Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?'  

Guest: 'Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...   Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine.' 

RoomService: 'We bodder?'

Guest: 'No, just put the bodder on the side.'

RoomService: 'Wad?!?'

Guest: 'I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side.' 

RoomService: 'Copy?'

Guest: 'Excuse me?'

RoomService:  'Copy...tea..meel?' 

Guest: 'Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything.'

RoomService: 'One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .. **Rye**

Guest: 'Whatever you say.'

RoomS ervice:  'Tenjooberrymuds.'

Guest: 'You're welcome'

Remember I said 'By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' '.....and you do, don't you!** 
*


----------



## pyshodoodle (Jan 10, 2009)

Yes I do! That was good! and interesting how your brain learns. This is a fun thread!  Kate


----------



## OsiaBoyce (Jan 12, 2009)

Feller has a seat a the lunch counter beside his bud. Notices his friend just staring at a bowl of chilie. This goes on for 5 mins.. "Well if you're not gonna eat it I am.". He grabs the bowl and munches down, gets to the bottom and sees a dead mouse and pukes it all back into the bowl. His bud looks over at him and says "That's as far as I got too."


----------



## OsiaBoyce (Jan 12, 2009)

A different feller stranded on an island w/ a sheep and a dog. This feller had been there a loooooong time. Desides to get romantic w/ the sheep. Just about the time he makes his move the dog attacks him. Well this goes on for quite a while, but the dog is ever presentand allways attacking. One day a beautiful woman washes ashore. " Oh thank you for saving my life. Is there ANYTHING I can do for you." she says. "Sure is Mam, can ya hold that dog."


----------



## blobbottlebob (Jan 12, 2009)

Pretty gross chile story OsiaBoyce but I laughed out loud.


----------



## cc6pack (Jan 14, 2009)

*   And then the fight started....*

 My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"


 I said, "Dust."


 And then the fight started.

 ======================================================================= 


 My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. 

 She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."


 I bought her a scale.


 And then the fight started.

 =====================================================================

 When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... 

 so, I took her to a gas station...


 And then the fight started....

 =====================================================================


 My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,'Do you know her?'

 'Yes,'I sighed,' She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 

 'My God!' says my wife,'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' 

 And then the fight started. 

 After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. 

 The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. 

 I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. 

 I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.


 The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.



 She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.



 When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.



 She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'


 And then the fight started...

 ===============================================================



 ============================================================


 I rear-ended a car this morning. 

 So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. 

 You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?


 Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!



 He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'


 So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'



 And then the fight started...

 ****************************************************************************************************
 My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and says, â€˜I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.â€™

 I replied, â€˜Your eyesightâ€™s damn near perfect.â€™

 And then the fight started.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Jan 15, 2009)

When Grandma Goes To Court 
 Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
 prepared for the answer . 
 In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
 witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand . He approached her
 and asked, 'Mrs . Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do
 know you, Mr . Williams . I've known you since you were a boy, and
 frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me . You lie, you cheat on
 your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their
 backs . You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
 realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher
 . Yes, I know you .' 
 The lawyer was stunned . Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
 the room and asked, 'Mrs . Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
 She again replied, 'Why yes, I do . I've known Mr . Bradley since he was a 
 youngster, too . He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem . He
 can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is
 one of the worst in the entire state . Not to mention he cheated on his
 wife with three different women . One of them was your wife . Yes, I
 know him . '
 The defense attorney nearly died .
 The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
 quiet voice, said, 
 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll l send you both
 to the electric chair . '


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Jan 15, 2009)

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary. ......... ..

     Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!


     Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.  Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.  Awesome!!!   Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
     Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries... right?   There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
     But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am I wrong?  So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.  All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
     What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
     I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!! !  I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recal l waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.  The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
     Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.  SON-OF-A-... . that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thin g at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.  I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.


----------



## coalbottlemolly (Jan 15, 2009)

I'm looking for my testicles right now.....I think I just laughed them off .
 This story is one of the funniest stories I have read in a while.
 I'm still laughing.


----------



## coalbottlemolly (Jan 15, 2009)

> HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!! !





> ORIGINAL:  GeorgiaVol
> 
> OMG..... I am still cracking up over this one


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## whitefeather (Jan 17, 2009)

Blobbottlebob toooooo funny[][][][]

 whitefeather


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## Stardust (Jan 17, 2009)

cc6pack that was funny.

 most are all funny...[]


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Jan 17, 2009)

You've been waiting for them with baited breath, so without further ado here are the 2008 Darwin awards.

 EIGHTH PLACE
 In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

 SEVENTH PLACE
 A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

 SIXTH PLACE
 While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach  chair at the bottom! When it collapsed, burying hi him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.  Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

 FIFTH PLACE
 Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into
 the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

 FOURTH PLACE
 Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

 THIRD PLACE
 After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.  Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.  The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

 HONORABLE MENTION
 Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

 RUNNER UP
 Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

 AND THE WINNER IS...?
 Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn,Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.  Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.  The sheer force of the elephant's! unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.



 IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING  THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
[/align]__._,_.___   [/align]  [/align]


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## GeorgiaVol (Jan 17, 2009)

Given what's happening with the economy these days, the Treasury department has issued a new dollar bill:


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Jan 17, 2009)

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! 

 Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. 

 Here's what happened: 

 Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.  "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.  Can you help?" 

 I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. 

 "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" 

 "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies." 

 "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" 

 I was equally outraged. 

 "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife. 

 "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! ). 

 "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). 

 "Yeah,  Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. 

 "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!). 

 By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.  I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 

 "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." 

 "Oh, gross!" they shrieked 

 "Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. 

 We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 

 "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. 
 "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. 

 "Do something, Dad !" my son urged. 

 "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. 

 "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. 

 "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) 

 "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 

 "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. 

 "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.  (Women can be so cruel to their own young.  I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.). 

 The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. 

 "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. 

 "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and  Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"  I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 

 "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. 

 "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like the males of most species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. 

 We were silent, absorbing this. 

 "So, Ernie's just . just . .. . excited," my wife offered. 

 "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. 

 More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. 

 "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming 
 affront to my flawless manliness. 

 Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little . . " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. 

 "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. 

 "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. 

 "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 

 Two lizards: $140. 

 One cage: $50. 

 Trip to the vet: $30. 

 Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: 

 Priceless! 

 Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. 

 Lizards lay eggs![/align]


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## cc6pack (Jan 17, 2009)

*ITALIAN WOMEN ARE TOUGH!*


 An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.

 He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

 Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

 When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.

 Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

 He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth. 

 With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.'Hands off!' she yelled. 'Those are for the funeral.'


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## Stardust (Jan 17, 2009)

MATT AND CC6PACK JUST GOT HOME AND I CANT REALLY CANT STOP LAUGHING.[]


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## cc6pack (Jan 20, 2009)

*Painting the Porch!*

 A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. 

 She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. 

 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, ''How much will you charge me?' 

 Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' 

 The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. 

 The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?' 

 He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' 

 The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.' 

 Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 

 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 

 'Yes' the blonde replied 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.' 

 Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip. 

 'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.


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## cc6pack (Jan 22, 2009)

*                                         No Sex Since 1955*


 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something 
 bothering you?'

 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

 The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you 
 have seen a lot of action.'

 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

 The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, 
 you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

 The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young 
 lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the 
 last time you had sex?

 ' 1955, ma'am.'

 'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! 
 I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where 
 she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. 

 Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 
 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

 The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I 
 hope not; it's only 2130 now.'


----------



## cc6pack (Jan 24, 2009)

I know this is a little late, but I just got it.












*  It's a Philly tradition*


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## cc6pack (Jan 25, 2009)

*                                           THE BOTTLE OF WINE* 

 For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine: 



 Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. 

 As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. 

 With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. 

 Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 

 "What in bag?" asked the old woman. 

 Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." 

 The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 



 "Good trade....." 


 ================================================






*                                         Viagra--New name & liquid versi*on!




 In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. 

 The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
 After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. 


 Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. 

 Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. 

 Thought for the day: 
 There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


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## blobbottlebob (Jan 25, 2009)

This is not original, I'm just repeating it from a cable comedian.

 Everyone knows the sports drink Gatoraide. It was named so because it was invented by the University of Florida. Their nickname is the Gators; hence gatoraide.

 It's a good thing it wasn't invented by Florida State U - because then it would be called Seminole fluid.


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## cc6pack (Jan 27, 2009)

*OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! *


 An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

 The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

 The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

 The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

 The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' 

 The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*                                                  Going to the Urologist *


 Mr. Smith recently retired and was due for a checkup. He showed up for his appointment, and upon entering the examination room, he was greeted by a young, rather attractive female urologist.

 She started the exam, when she says, "Well Mr. Smith, the first thing you'll have to do is quit masturbating."

 "But why?" whines Mr. Smith.

 "Well first of all, I'm trying to examine you dammit!" [/align]


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Jan 29, 2009)

**          LIFE IN THE 1500'S ***** 
**
**The          next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water          temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to          be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:* *
**
**
 Most          people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,          and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to          smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.          Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting          married. 

 Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot          water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,          then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the          children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you          could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the          baby out with the Bath water.. 

 Houses had thatched          roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the o nly          pl ace for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals          (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and          sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying          It's raining cats and dogs.*                                                                 [blockquote]                      *
 There            was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a            real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess            up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung            over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came            into existence. 

 The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had            something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt            poor.*[/align][/align]                       [/align][/align][/blockquote][/align]         * The          wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet,          so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As          the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the          door , it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed          in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh          hold. 

 (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

 In          those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always          hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the          pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would          eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold          overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in          it that had been there for quite a while. Hence t he rhy me, Peas          porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days          old.. 

 Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them          feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their          bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home          the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would          all sit around and chew the fat.. 

 Those with money had          plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the          lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened          most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were          considered poisonous. 

 Bread was divided according to          status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the          middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

 Lead cups          were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock          a person out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would          take them for dead a nd prepare them for burial. They were laid out on          the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather          around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence          the custom of holding a wake. 

 England is old and small and          the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they          would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse          the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found          to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been          burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the          corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it          to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the          graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved          by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer.. 

 And that's          the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring ! !          ! *


----------



## glass man (Jan 30, 2009)

LOVE THIS KINDA STUFF! GROOVEY!


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## whitefeather (Jan 31, 2009)

Boy I can stop all the schoolin now pa LOL That is funny I love sitting in a room laughing my self silly[][]


 Whitefeather


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## lego110 (Jan 31, 2009)

Top Four Adult Jokes   

  [/align][/align]Fourth Place: [/align]A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, [/align]his elbow goes into her breast. [/align]They are both quite startled. [/align]The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, [/align]I know you'll forgive me.' [/align]She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.' [/align]
  [/align][/align]------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----- [/align]Third Place : [/align]One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. [/align]
  [/align][/align]The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'   [/align]
  [/align][/align]The husband,rejected, turns over.  [/align]
  [/align][/align]A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. [/align]
  [/align][/align]'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?' [/align]
  [/align][/align]------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------ [/align]Runner Up: [/align]
  [/align][/align]Bill worked in a pickle factory.  [/align]He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day [/align]to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  [/align]He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  [/align]His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. [/align]
  [/align][/align]One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. [/align]
  [/align][/align]'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. [/align]
  [/align][/align]'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' [/align]
  [/align][/align]'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. [/align]
  [/align][/align]'Yes, I did.' he replied. [/align]'My God, Bill, what happened?' [/align]'I got fired.' [/align]
  [/align][/align]'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' [/align]
  [/align][/align]'Oh...she got fired too.' [/align]------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------- [/align]Winner: [/align]
  [/align][/align]A couple had been married for 50 years. [/align]
  [/align][/align]They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' [/align]
  [/align][/align]'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' [/align]
  [/align][/align]'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.' [/align]
  [/align][/align]Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. [/align]
  [/align][/align]'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' [/align]
  [/align][/align]'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal [/align]


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## cc6pack (Jan 31, 2009)

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] 

 Now dats funny






*                                                  Three Beers

*[size=-1]Boudreaux walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves Boudreaux three beers, which Boudreaux drinks quietly at a table, alone. 
 An hour later, Boudreaux has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. 
 The next evening at the bar, Boudreaux again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. 
 This happens for several nights. 
 Soon, the people up and down the bayou are whispering about Boudreaux going to the bar and always drinking three beers at a time. 
 Finally, a week later, the bartender says "Boudreaux, I don't mean to be nosey, but everybody around here is wondering why you always order three beers at one time?" 
 Boudreaux replies, "You see, I have two brothers. One moved to Texas and de udder one to Mississippi. We promised each other dat we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keepin up de Boudreaux bond." 
 Everybody on the bayou was impressed with Boudreaux's explanation, and Boudreaux was the talk of the bayou. 
 Then, one day, Boudreaux comes in to the bar and orders only two beers. 
 The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening ... Boudreaux always orders only two beers. The word flies up and down the bayou. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the Boudreaux brothers. 
 The next day, the bartender says to Boudreaux, "People on the bayou and I want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all." 
 Boudreaux ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear dat my two brothers are alive and well. It's jus dat me, myself, has decided to give up drinkin' for Lent."   [/size]


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## GeorgiaVol (Jan 31, 2009)

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex
 therapist's office.

  The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

  The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

  The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that
 such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he
 agrees.

  When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's
 absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

  He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck,
 he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

  The next week, the same couple returns and  asks the sex
 therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

  This happens several weeks in a row.

  The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no
 problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

  Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says,
 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

  The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

  She's married; so we can't go to her house.

  I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

  The Holiday Inn charges $98.

  The Hilton charges $139.

  We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving
 my net cost of $7.


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## cc6pack (Feb 1, 2009)

*  NO PUN INTENDED*


 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
 "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
 "Is it common?"
 "Well, It's Not Unusual."

 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
 Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
 "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
 "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
 He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
 The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

 13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
 "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
 "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

 21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


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## Stardust (Feb 2, 2009)

*Irish case of assault and battery*


 In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at. 

 "Four glasses of ale," was the reply. 

 "Next?" 

 "Two glasses of whiskey." 

 "Next?" 

 "One glass of brandy." 

 "Next?" 

 "A fight."


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## Stardust (Feb 2, 2009)

Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

 To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open. Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

 But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

 Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson. 

 Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat.[/align]


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Feb 2, 2009)

[][][][][][][]I needed a good laugh this evening!!  Thanks a bunch!!


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Feb 2, 2009)

*A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

 He calls home. 'Dad,' he says,  'You won't believe what modern education is developing!*[/align][/align][/align][/align]      [/align][/align][/align][/align]     *They actually have a program here in Austin that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!'

 'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

 'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowboy says. 'I'll get him in the course.'

 So, his father sends the dog and  $1,000.

 About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

 'So how's Ol' Blue doing son?' his father asks.

 'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't  believe this - *[/align][/align][/align][/align]      [/align][/align][/align][/align]     *they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'

 'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?'

 Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.

 The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

 When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. *[/align][/align][/align][/align]      [/align][/align][/align][/align]     *'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

 'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. *[/align][/align][/align][/align]      [/align][/align][/align][/align]     *Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol ' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the  recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

 Then  he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

 The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that son of a @$%^ before he talks to your Mother!'

 'I sure did, Dad!'

 'That's my boy**!'**
**
 The kid went on to be a successful lawyer ...... And
 then he went on to become a  Congressman. 
*[/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align]


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Feb 2, 2009)

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? 
 A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
      will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of  your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. 


 Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
 A: You must  grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
      efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
      And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable  products. 


 Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
 A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
      goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! 


 Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio ? 
 A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. 


 Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
 A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! 


 Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
 A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
      for you? 


 Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
 A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. 


 Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 
 A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! 


 Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 
 A: If swimming is good for your f igure, explain whales to me. 

 Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 
 A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! 

 Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 
  'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid
  in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' 

*AND.....*

 For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
 nutritional studies. 

 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 2.  The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

*CONCLUSION*

 Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


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## Stardust (Feb 2, 2009)

*[] []  []  teeeee heeee You know laughter is the best medicine for whatever is wrong with you!*
*I laugh most of the day and night around here..... Matt you're the BEST!*
*       *~~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~~[8|]*
*stardust*


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## cc6pack (Feb 3, 2009)

*                                           The Nun in Hooters*

 A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a
 local Hooters.

 The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and
 every once in a while "the lights would turn off."
 Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt
 into cheers.

 However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead
 silent. She walked up to the bartender, and
 asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

 The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you
 that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only
 a fig leaf."

 "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other
 way," said the nun.

 So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the
 restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the
 whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud
 round of applause.
 She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't
 understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went
 to the restroom?"

 "Well, now they know you're one of us," said
 the bartender,"Would you like a drink?"

 "No thank you, but, I still don't
 understand," said the puzzled nun.

 "You see," laughed the
 bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on
 that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that
 drink?"


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## GeorgiaVol (Feb 3, 2009)

funny!!


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## cc6pack (Feb 5, 2009)

*                                                 Stimulus Payment Info*


 "This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment.




 This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:




 Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?



 A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


 Q. Where will the government get this money?


 A. From taxpayers. 


 Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? 


 A. Only a smidgen. 


 Q. What is the purpose of this payment? 


 A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. 


 Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? 


 A. Shut up. 


 Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: 


 If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China . 


 If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. 


 If you purchase a computer it will go to India . 


 If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic). 


 If you buy a car it will go to Japan . 


 If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan . 


 If you pay your credit cards off, it will go to bank management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Same with stock investment. 


 Instead, you can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a show or a baseball game, or spending it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those appear to be the only American businesses still operating in the US.


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## cc6pack (Feb 5, 2009)

We all clean our monitor but have you ever considered the inside may need cleaned ?



http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf


----------



## cc6pack (Feb 8, 2009)

*                                 TEN BEST CADDY REPLIES
*
 #10 Golfer: "I think I am going to drown myself in the lake."
 Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

 #9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
 Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

 #8 Golfer: "Do you think that my game is improving?"
 Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

 #7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
 Caddy: "Eventually!"

 #6 Golfer: "You got to be the worst caddy in the world."
 Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

 #5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time."
 Caddy: "It's not a watch, it is a compass."

 #4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
 Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally I prefer golf."

 #3 Golfer: "Do you think it is a sin to play on Sunday?"
 Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it is a sin on any day."

 #2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
 Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."


 AND THE #1 BEST CADDY COMMENT ....

 Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it is too old."
 Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir


----------



## glass man (Feb 8, 2009)

TRUE STORY: WHEN MY DAD WAS A BOY HE WITTNESSED THE LAST PART OF THIS STORY ,BUT FOUND OUT LATER WHAT IT WAS ALL ABOUT,A MAN HAILED A CAB UP TOWN .THE MAN WAS PRETTY DRUNK ,BUT WANTED FEMALE COMPANIONSHIP OF A CERTAIN SORT. HE TOLD THE CAB DRIVER TO TAKE HIM TO "SOME OLE FLOOZIE'S HOUSE YOU KNOW OF"! WELL THE CAB DRIVER PULLED UP TO THE CURB,IN FRONT OF A HOUSE AND STOPPED. THE PASSENGER STARTED HITTING THE MAN IN THE BACK OF THE DRIVERS HEAD AND CUSSING HIM,ALSO THREATENING TO KILL HIM! THE DRIVER GOT OUT OF THE CAR AND STARTING RUNNING DOWN THE STREET WITH HIS ASSAILENT CLOSE BEHIND HITTING HIM WHENEVER HE COULD GET CLOSE ENOUGH. SEEMS THE POOR CAB DRIVER DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD DRIVEN THE MAN TO THE GUY'S VERY OWN HOUSE!!![]


----------



## RICKJJ59W (Feb 8, 2009)

Hahaha G man!  

 Heres one for ya True story []

                   WARNING! 
 Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home![/align]>[/align]> A man was found dead in his home over the weekend.[/align]>[/align]> Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.[/align]>[/align]> The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.[/align]>[/align]> A sliced banana was scattered on his back.[/align]>[/align]> Police suspect a cereal killer.[/align] [/align] [/align]


----------



## cyberdigger (Feb 8, 2009)

Pretty kitty


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Feb 8, 2009)

KENTUCKY GHOST STORY

  This happened about a month ago just outside of  Harlan ,
  Kentucky , a small coal mining town in  the Appalachian
  mountains  and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock
  tale, it's indeed real.

  An out of state traveler was walking along the side of the
  road hitchhiking on a dark  night in the middle of a
  thunderstorm.  Time passed slowly and no cars went by  It
  was raining so hard he could  barely see  his hand in front
  of his face.

  Suddenly he saw a car approaching,  moving slowly and
  appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently
  crept toward him  and stopped. Wanting a ride very  badly,
  the guy jumped into the car and closed the door; only then
  did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and
  no sound of the engine to be heard
  over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and guy
  was terrified, too scared  to think of jumping out and
  running.

  The guy saw that the car was approaching  a sharp curve
  and, still too scared to jump  out, he started to pray and
  beg for his life.  He was certain the ghost car would go off
   the road and into the river, and he would surely drown! But
  just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the
  driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the
  steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
  Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the
  window and the hitchhiker was alone again.

  Paralyzed  with fear, the guy watched  the hand reappear
  every time they reached  a curve. Finally the guy,
  frightened nearly to death, had all he could take and jumped
  out of the car and ran through the storm to the nearby town.
  Wet and in shock, he went   into a lighted tavern and with
  voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, and then,
  shaken, he told everybody about his supernatural experience.


  A silence came over those listening and everybody got goose
  bumps. They realized  the guy was sober and was telling the
  truth. And the sounds of the storm
  continued outside.

  About half an hour later, two guys  walked into the bar and
  one says  to the other, "Look Billy Bob, there's
  that idiot that rode in our car while we was pushin' it
  in the rain".


----------



## mrbottles (Feb 9, 2009)

*A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: â€œThat's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!â€ *

*The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: â€œThe driver just insulted me!â€ *

*The man says: â€œYou go right up there and tell him off â€“ go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.â€** 
*


----------



## mrbottles (Feb 9, 2009)

On the first day of football practice, the coach noticed that little Billy had a little bit of talent.  Deciding to see what little Billy can do the coach calls him over to the sideline. "Yea coach, what is it?", the coach looks down at Billy possibly the slightest kid on the team and the youngest looking and asks "Hey kid, do ya think you could pass a football?" Little Billy ponders for a moment and looks up at the coach and replies "Christ coach, I don't think I could even swallow one."


----------



## glass man (Feb 9, 2009)

> ORIGINAL: cc6pack
> 
> We all clean our monitor but have you ever considered the inside may need cleaned ?
> 
> ...


    THAT WAS COOL DENNIS!![]


----------



## glass man (Feb 9, 2009)

AN ATHEIST WAS WALKING THROUGH THE WOODS ,WHEN HE CAME UP ON A GRIZZLEY BEAR. THE MAN TURNED AND STARTED RUNNING WITH THE BEAR CLOSE BEHIND. THE ATHEIST STUBBLED AND FELL. HE SAID HELP ME GOD! WELL GOD SAID "YOU HAVE DENIED ME ALL YOUR LIFE AND NOW YOU CALL ON ME?" THE MAN SAID "YES THAT IS RIGHT I DON'T WANT TO BE A HYPOCRITE,CAUSE I DON'T REALLY BELIEVE IN YOU ,BUT JUST IN CASE YOU ARE REAL ,WELL JUST MAKE THIS BEAR A CHRISTIAN"![THE MAN THOUGHT A CHRISTIAN BEAR WOULD BE HARMLESS!] WELL THE BEAR LIFTED HIS PAWS UP IN PRAYER AND SAID "THANK YOU LORD FOR THIS FOOD I AM ABOUT TO EAT"!


----------



## mrbottles (Feb 12, 2009)

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. SUSIE was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "How do you like your new phone?" Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..." "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"


----------



## mrbottles (Feb 12, 2009)

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why doyou dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'


----------



## mrbottles (Feb 12, 2009)

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her room-mate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."


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## mrbottles (Feb 12, 2009)

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Feb 13, 2009)

*An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. **"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.  **"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. **Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." **She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. **The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.  **"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares ... **Now what do we tell them for Christmas?    *


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Feb 13, 2009)

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.  The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.  She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. 	 The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."  Without a second thought, he takes off after her.  A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.  The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.  On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.  He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.  The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.  She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."  Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.  This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.  So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.  Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.  He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.  "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."  "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."  The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine!!!"  He lost 63 pounds that week.


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Feb 13, 2009)

They were together in the *H*ouse. 

 Just the two of them. 

 It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly Each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. 
 She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance.. .and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm. 

 Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... She screamed... 
 He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. 
 He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. 

 He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him. 

 The storm raged on... *

 They knew it was wrong...*
 Their families would never understand. So consumed were they in their fear that they heard no opening of doors...just the faint click of a camera......


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## GeorgiaVol (Feb 15, 2009)

_JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH _
_
 Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' 
 The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'_ _
 The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'_ _
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _
 A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, 
 please don't let me be late!' 
 While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'_ _
 ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~_ _
 Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'_ _
 The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' 
 The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'_ _
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _
 An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'_ _
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~ *
 A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had  to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'*_ _
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _
 A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to_ _Jerusalem__ . A small child replied, ! 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'_ _
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _
 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' 
 Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'_ _
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~ __
 At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little  Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. 
 Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'_ _
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _
 Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' 
 The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how_ _Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'_ _
_


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## Just Dig it (Feb 16, 2009)

Last Night i had a dream i was eating chocolate pudding ...this morning i woke up with my head in a privy


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## glass man (Feb 16, 2009)

MY DAD WHO DIED IN 2006 TAUGHT SUNDAY SCHOOL FOR 30 + YEARS . HE TAUGHT ADULTS ,BUT A LITTLE KID KNOWN FOR BEING MISCHIVIOUS ,WAS INTO BOUT EVERYTHING ,AND WHOSE NAME WAS JOSH WAS SITTING WITH HIS DAD,WHILE MY POP TAUGHT ABOUT JOSHUA AND THE BATTLE OF JERICO WHERE GOD KNOCKED DOWN THE WALLS. AS DAD TALKED ABOUT THE WALLS OF JERICO FALLING,HE LOOKED AT JOSH[SHORT FOR JOSHUA OF COURSE] AND ASKED JOSH "YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THOSE WALLS FALLING DID YOU,JOSH?" JOSH TOLD DAD VERY ERNESTLY " NO I WAS IN ALABAMA ON THAT DAY"![][][]


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## GeorgiaVol (Feb 16, 2009)

My son's name is Joshua, and let me tell ya, if he was at Jerico them walls wouldn't stand a chance!!


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## tigue710 (Feb 16, 2009)

> ORIGINAL:  GeorgiaVol
> 
> They were together in the *H*ouse.
> 
> ...


 

 HA!


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## glass man (Feb 17, 2009)

RIGHT GAVOL,THAT IS A CLASSIC ! MY WIFE AND I LAUGHED ALONG TIME OVER THAT ONE!! JAMIE


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## glass man (Feb 17, 2009)

"LET EM IN ! THEY WILL DO JOBS AMERICANS WON'T DO" SAID DAVEY CROKETT AT THE ALAMO.      "THE CROWS ARE ALL CALLING MY NAME" THOUGHT CAW. I WANT SOME OF THAT STIMULAS PACKAGE MONEY TO SOLVE THAT OLD ,OLD PROBLEM OF HOW MUCH WOOD COULD A WOOD CHUCK IF A WOOD CHUCK COULD CHUCK WOOD!!     I WAS ONCE TOLD BY A SCHOOL MATE OF MY DAD WHEN HE WAS LITTLE AND IT STARTED SNOWING REAL HARD THAT HE SAID TO ALL HIS CLASS MATES THAT"IF IT KEEPS SNOWING THIS HARD ,WE ALL WILL HAVE TO CLIMB A TREE JUST TO TAKE A S#$%@!"


----------



## cc6pack (Feb 17, 2009)

I'd call this PG13 maybe PG17, speakers on

*                                   All-Star Jailhouse Rock!*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBdkTaoavXI


----------



## glass man (Feb 17, 2009)

[][][][][][] RIGHT ON DENNIS!!


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Feb 17, 2009)

I LOVED OJ's face in that it was priceless!!!


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Feb 18, 2009)

At the risk of offending some older folks, here is one I found funny.............


----------



## glass man (Feb 19, 2009)

HA HA HA! DAMN! HA HA HA! WHAT A TRIP!!!![][][]


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## cc6pack (Feb 20, 2009)

*  BOOK REPORT*

 Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

 One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

 His professor gave him an A+ for this report.

 Titanic:....... Cost - $29.99
 Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

 Titanic:.... Over 3 hours to read
 Clinton :....Over 3 hours to read

 Titanic:...... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
 Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

 Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
 Clinton :..... Bill is a bull**** artist.

 Titanic:.......In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
 Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

 Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
 Clinton ..... Ditto for Monica.

 Titanic:.....Jack teaches Rose to spit.
 Clinton :... Let's not go there.

 Titanic:.... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
 Clinton :... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

 Titanic:...... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
 Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

 Titanic:........ Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
 Clinton :..... Monica.... ooh, let's not go there, either. 

 Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
 Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing


----------



## Wilkie (Feb 25, 2009)

*The   phone rings and the lady of the house answers,   'Hello.'**

**'Mrs.  Sanders,  please.' 
*
*'Speaking.' 
*
*'Mrs.  Sanders, this is Doctor  James at Saint Agnes  Laboratory.  When your husband's doctor  sent his blood work to the lab last  week,  blood work from another Mr.  Sanders arrived as well.  We are  now uncertain which one belongs  to your husband.  Frankly, either  way the results are not too   good.' 
*
*'What  do you mean?' Mrs.  Sanders asks  nervously.  
*
*'**Well,  one of the specimens  tested positive for Alzheimer's and  the  other one tested positive for HIV.  We can't tell which  is  which.' 
*
*'That's  dreadful! Can you do  the test again?' questioned Mrs.  Sanders.  
*
*'Normally  we can, but  Medicare will only pay for these expensive   tests once and once   only.' 
*
*'Well,  what am I supposed to  do  now?' 
*
*'The  folks at Medicare  recommend that you drop your husband off   somewhere in  the middle of town. If he finds
  his way home, don't  sleep with  him.'
*


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Feb 25, 2009)

*Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women *ï¿½ 
*
 PREGNANCY Q & A & more! *
*
 Q: Should I have a baby after 35? *_
 A: No, 35 children is enough. 
_*
 Q : I'm two  months pregnant now. When will my baby move? *_
 A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. _
*
 Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? *_
 A: Childbirth.. _
*
 Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. *_
 A: So  what's your question? _
*
 Q *ï¿½ *: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? *_
 A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. _ï¿½ 
*
 Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? *_
 A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. _
*
 Q *ï¿½ *: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? *_
 A: Not unless the word  'alimony' means anything to you. _
*
 Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? *_A: Yes, pregnancy. _
*
 Q *ï¿½ *: Do I have to have a baby shower? *_
 A: Not  if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. _
*
 Q *ï¿½ *: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? *_
 A: When the kids are in college. _

 'ESTROGEN ISSUES' 

 10 WAYS  TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES' 

 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 
 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 
 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 
 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 
 5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'. 
 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 
 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.' 
 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 
 10. The ibuprofen bottle i s empty and you bought it yesterday. 

 TOP TEN  THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 
 10. Cats' facial expressions. 
 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 
 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 
 7. Fat clothes.. 
 6.. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 
 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 
 4. Cutting your hair to make it grow. 
 3. Eyelash curlers. 
 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scal e ever made. *
*
 AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 
*
 1. OTHER WOMEN  *


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Mar 1, 2009)

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote
  > > mountainous pasture
  > > in California  when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of
  > > a dust cloud
  > > towards him.
  > > 
  > > The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,
  > > RayBan sunglasses and
  > > YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If
  > > I tell you exactly
  > > how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you
  > > give me a calf?'
  > > 
  > > Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
  > > peacefully
  > > grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?' 
  > > 
  > > The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
  > > computer, connects it
  > > to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
  > > page on the Internet
  > > where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on
  > > his location which
  > > he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
  > > in an
  > > ultra-high-resolution photo.
  > > 
  > > The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
  > > Photoshop and exports it
  > > to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany  .
  > > 
  > > Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot
  > > that the image
  > > has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses
  > > a MS-SQL
  > > database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
  > > email on his
  > > Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
  > > 
  > > Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
  > > hi-tech,
  > > miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
  > > cowboy and says, 
  > > You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
  > > 
  > > 'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
  > > calves,' says Bud.
  > > 
  > > He watches the young man select one of the animals and
  > > looks on amused as
  > > the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
  > > 
  > > Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you
  > > exactly what your
  > > business is, will you give me back my calf?'
  > > 
  > > ! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
  > > 'Okay, why not?'
  > > 
  > > 'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government',
  > > says Bud.
  > > 
  > > 'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie,
  > > 'but how did you guess that?'
  > > 
  > > 'No guessing required.', answered the cowboy.
  > > 'You showed up here even
  > > though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an
  > > answer I already knew,
  > > to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much
  > > smarter than me
  > > you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this
  > > is a herd of sheep. . 
  > > .Now give me back my dog.


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Mar 1, 2009)

[blockquote]               An old country farmer had a   wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always   complaining about something.    The only time he got any   relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.  He tried to plow   a lot.  One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in   the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and   began to eat his lunch.  Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
    Complain,   nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule   lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.


    Killed her   dead on the spot.


    At the   funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a   woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,   then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he   would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.     This was so consistent, the   minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.  So after the funeral,   the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head   and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all   the men.     The old farmer said, 'Well,   the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or   how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'     'And what about the men?'   the minister asked.     'They wanted to know if the   mule was for sale.'    [/align]   [/align]   [/align]   [/align]   [/blockquote]


----------



## tigue710 (Mar 2, 2009)

one liner...

 Now I love my blond girlfriend, but when she started clapping after I finished tuning my guitar I knew she wasn't the marrying type...


----------



## cc6pack (Mar 7, 2009)

* whacky tax deductions*

*  Beer Good, Whiskey Badâ€¦*
 A gas station owner gave his customers free beer and tried to write it off as a business expense.
 (Hopefully the customers didn't drink the beer until they got home!)
 Do you think the IRS took kindly to that?
 The whole thing ended up in tax court, but the final ruling said the beer _was_ a legitimate expense and deduction.
 Interestingly, an Oklahoma businessman tried to deduct several cases of whiskey that he gave to his clients â€“ as "entertainment." This deduction, however, was flatly denied.

*                             Burnin' Down the Houseâ€¦*
 A Pittsburgh furniture-store owner had tried to sell his business for years, but there weren't any takers.
 Frustrated by his lack of success, he hired someone to burn the store down. He collected $500,000 from the insurance company for his misguided effort.
 Incredibly, the man went on to deduct the $10,000 that he paid the arsonist as a "consulting fee." An IRS audit two years later ended with both men in prison.
 Apparently, the IRS agent who handled the case was hot under the collar about the whole thing.   Da bum.

*                               We're Headed to the Super Bowl!
*Normally if you take a business trip, the location has to have something to do with the reason for the trip.
 Someone should have told that to the person who tried to deduct a Super Bowl getaway and party for clients and their spouses.
 Because the taxpayer could not prove that the trip related to business, the IRS denied the deduction.
 Actually, the tax commissioner went on to say there "was no way" that the group discussed any business during the game.
 Not all trips are denied, though as you'll see......

*                           Dairy Cowsâ€¦on a Safari?
*The owners of a dairy business went on an African Safari and tried to write the cost off as a business expense.
 They justified the deduction by saying that many of the dairy's promotional activities and marketing efforts included wild animals.
 We're not sure that "wild dairy cows" exist, but guess what?
 The IRS agreed that the trip was "ordinary and necessary," and the deduction was allowed.
 It looks like those folks really knew how to "milk" the system!

*              Thanks, Doc! Come by for a Swim Anytimeâ€¦*
 A doctor told his emphysema patient that the sick man needed to start exercising.
 The patient decided to install a swimming pool at his home, and then he deducted the cost as a "necessary medical expense."
 The IRS agreed with the deduction, not only for the pool, but also for the various chemicals, cleaning, heating and upkeep. No word on whether he could write off his suntan lotion, though.

*                                   "Here, Kitty-Kitty-Kitty!"
*These junkyard owners had finally had enough of a nasty snake and rat problem, so they cleverly set out bowls of pet food each night to attract wild cats.
 The cats not only ate the pet food, they also took care of the junkyard's unwanted guests.
 Because the wild cats made the business safer for customers, the pet food was deductible as a business expense.
 Sounds like the purr-fect solution!
 We've had a little fun with this, but the truth is that taxes are no joke.   We want to be sure this tax season that you are paying your fair share but not one penny more.  That's why it's critical you know about every tax deduction to which you are entitled.

*                No, You Can't Deduct Fido's College Tuition*
 There are about 75 million household dogs in the U.S. That means millions of pooches are left at home alone each day.
 To ease his pup's unhappiness, one taxpayer hired somebody to come to his home and watch his dog while the owner went off to work.
 The IRS howled, however, when the taxpayer tried to deduct the cost by using a day-care tax credit intended for children and legal dependents. Pets do not qualify.


----------



## cc6pack (Mar 18, 2009)

*                                                  Boudreaux's wife pregnant* 


 Way down in Louisiana , Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some 
 time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the
 doctor began to deliver the baby.

 She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, 
 "Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you-sef a son! Ain't dat grand!"

 Boudreaux got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 
 "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 

 "Hey, Boudreaux, you got you-sef a daughter too! She a pretty lil ting."

 Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, 
 we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 

 "Boudreaux, you just had you-sef another boy!"

 When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down 
 with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of
 Vaseline and we had to use dat dere Tree-in-One Oil?"

 His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"

 Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a darn good ting we didn't use no WD-Forty."


----------



## glass man (Mar 18, 2009)

IN ELMIRA PRISON IN NEW YORK ,REBEL PRISONERS WERE KEPT DURING THE CIVIL WAR. DAY AFTER DAY AN OLD GRIZZLED SOUTHERN SARGENT WOULD SAY AS LOUD AS HE COULD TO ANY NORTHERN SOLDIER WALKING BY"MAN ,WE SHORE BEAT THE HELL OUTA YA'LL AT CHICAMAGUA DID WE?"            AFTER A LONG TIME OF THIS THE OLD SARGENT WAS BROUGHT BEFORE THE MAN THAT RAN THE PRISON. "I TELL YOU WHAT"THE MAN SAID" YOU SAYING THAT ABOUT CHICAMAGUA DAY AFTER DAY HAS GOTTEN THE MORALE OF MY MEN AROUND HERE WAY DOWN". "IF YOU WILL QUIT SAYING "WE BEAT THE HELL OUT OF YA"LL AT CHICAMAGUA AND WILL TAKE THE UNION OATH, I WILL MAKE YOU A SARGENT IN OUR ARMY AND YOU CAN BE A GUARD RIGHT HERE AT THE PRISON"!      THE SARGENT THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR A MOMENT AND SAID"WELL ALL RIGHTY THEN". THE FIRST DAY ON THE JOB THE NEWLY SWORN IN SARGENT WALKED UP AND DOWN THE HALLS YELLING"YOU BOYS WHIPPED THE HELL OUT US YANKS AT CHICAMAGUA,DID JU?!"


----------



## cc6pack (Mar 27, 2009)

*                                  Vocab Word for Today*



 LIQUIDITY

 When you look at your investments & wet your pants


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Mar 27, 2009)

*7 DEGREES OF A BLONDE*

 > FIRST DEGREE
        > A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
        > 
        > morning..  The very blonde wife picked up the phone, 
        > listened a moment, and said 'How should I know,
        > that's 200 miles 
        > from here!' and hung up.  The husband said,
        > 'Who was that?' 
        > 
        > 
        > The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman
        > wanting to 
        > know if the coast is clear.'
        > 
        > 
        > SECOND 
        > DEGREE
        > 
        > 
        > Two blondes are walking down the street.  One notices
        > a 
        > compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. 
        > She 
        > opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this
        > person looks 
        > familiar.' 
        > 
        > The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' 
        > 
        > 
        > So, the first blonde hands her the compact. 
        > 
        > The 
        > second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy,
        > it's 
        > me!' 
        > 
        > THIRD 
        > DEGREE
        > 
        > 
        > A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she
        > 
        > goes out and buys a gun.  She goes to his apartment 
        > unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in
        > the 
        > arms of a redhead.  Well, the blonde is really
        > angry.  
        > She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does
        > so, she 
        > is overcome with grief.  She takes the gun and puts it
        > to 
        > her head. 
        > 
        > The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do 
        > it!!!' 
        > 
        > The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!' 
        > 
        > 
        > FOURTH 
        > DEGREE
        > 
        > 
        > A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state 
        > capitals.  She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me...
        > I know 
        > 'em all.' 
        > 
        > A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of 
        > Wisconsin        ?' 
        > 
        > The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. Its 
        > W.' 
        > 
        > FIFTH 
        > DEGREE 
        >  Q: 
        > What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was
        > 
        > pregnant? 
        > A: 'Is it mine?' 
        > 
        > SIXTH 
        > DEGREE
        > 
        > 
        > Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA       Freshman, sat
        > 
        > in her US        Government class.  The professor asked Bambi
        > if 
        > she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. 
        > 
        > Bambi pondered the 
        > question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
        > George 
        > Washington had to make before he       crossed the Delaware        '
        > 
        > 
        > 
        > SEVENTH 
        > DEGREE 
        >  Returning 
        > home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
        > ransacked 
        > and burglarized.  She telephoned the police at once
        > and 
        > reported the crime.  The police dispatcher broadcast
        > the 
        > call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was
        > the 
        > first to respond. 
        > 
        > As the K-9 officer approached the 
        > house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the
        > porch, 
        > shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat
        > down on 
        > the steps.  Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
        > 'I 
        > come home to find all my possessions stolen.  I call
        > the 
        > police for help, and what do they do?  They send me a
        > BLIND 
        > COP!' 
        >


----------



## cc6pack (Mar 27, 2009)

*Gynecologist Turned Mechanic*


 A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

 Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

 He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.

 When the time of the practical exam approached,the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

 When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

 Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I'm grateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

 The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

 After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."


----------



## cc6pack (Mar 28, 2009)

*                                                 Irish Golfer*


 A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

 Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

 Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

 'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

 'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

 'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

 And the golfer walks off.

 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

 I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

 A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad
 drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

 'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

 'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

 'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell
 me, how's yer money situation?'

 'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!'

 'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

 The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

 C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

 Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes
 twice a week.'

 'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a
 week?'

 'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'


----------



## Stardust (Mar 30, 2009)

Alligators in the Pool
*A *CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen.                           The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators.                       The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"   Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.   The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.                           The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!" 
[/align]


----------



## glass man (Mar 30, 2009)

[][][]   PEOPLE USED TO BE ON LAWYERS,NOW I THINK CEOS HAS THE TOP HONOR OF NOT LIKED.


----------



## OsiaBoyce (Mar 30, 2009)

Cowboy riding through the desert. Sees a sign  "Big Chief Knows All, Tells All". Being a non beliver he travels to see the "Chief". "Ok Chief, what did I have for breakfast 3 days ago?". "Eggs,bacon,coffee" was the reply. "Wow, he was right." thought the cowboy as he was riding off. Well 20 years later the cowboy is passing the sameway and sees the sign again. Once again he ventures to see the "Chief". Greeting the "Chief" w/ a friendly "HOW" the cowboy got back in return "Scrambled,crispy,black."


----------



## glass man (Mar 30, 2009)

[8D]


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Apr 1, 2009)

>  Louisiana LENT 
    >>> 
    >>> Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his 
    >>> outdoor grill and 
    >>> cook a venison steak. 
    >>> 
    >>> But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic..And since 
    >>> it was Lent, 
    >>> they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. 
    >>> The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was 
    >>> causing such a 
    >>> problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally 
    >>> talked to their 
    >>> priest. 
    >>> The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he 
    >>> become a 
    >>> Catholic. 
    >>> After several classes and much study, Bubba attended 
    >>> Mass...and as the 
    >>> priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, ''You 
    >>> were born a Baptist, 
    >>> and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic." 
    >>> Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday 
    >>> night arrived, 
    >>> and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the 
    >>> neighborhood. 
    >>> The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, 
    >>> as he rushed 
    >>> into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to 
    >>> scold him, he 
    >>> stopped and watched in amazement. 
    >>> There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy 
    >>> water which he 
    >>> carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 
    >>> "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you 
    >>> is a catfish"!


----------



## glass man (Apr 2, 2009)

Angelpeace here, I was under glassman's login when I found these jokes. Thought you all might enjoy.

 Some ecclesiastical gentlemen -- a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others -- were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up. 

 He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first. 

 A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter. After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church. How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment? 

 St. Peter smiled and told him: "While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car. She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined."


 A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every respect--except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language. The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much.The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it wouldn't look like murder. The best thing, he decided, was to make the clone's death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.

 Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.
*
 Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University *
 1. He only had one major publication.
 2. It was in Hebrew.
 3. It had no references.
 4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
 5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
 6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
 8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
 10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
 13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
 14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
 15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
*
 The Priest and the Politician *
 A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

 "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

 Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

 "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

*
 Oh, the Irony! *
 Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.

 "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

 "I froze to death," says the second. 

 "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" 

 "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" 

 "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died." 

 The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. 

 "What do you mean?" asks the first man. 

 "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 2, 2009)

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE 
 * Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
 * Do you suffer from shyness?
 * Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
 If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
 pharmacist about Margaritas. Margaritas are the safe, natural way to
 feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
 Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
 world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

 You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and 
 with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that 
 prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and 
 awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many 
 talents you never knew you had.
 Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

 Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
 nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind
 nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
 Side effects may include:
 - Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
 - Erotic lustfulness
 - Loss of motor control
 - Loss of clothing
 - Loss of money
 - Loss of virginity
 - Loss of bladder control
 - Attraction to ugly men
 - Table dancing
 - Headache
 - Dehydration
 - Dry mouth
 - And a desire to sing Karaoke
 WARNING:
 The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when
 you are not.
 WARNING:
 The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends 
 over and over again that you love them.
 WARNING:
 The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
 WARNING:
 The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically 
 converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
 *Margaritas are also available in generic form, known as tequila. 
 Just as effective at only a fraction of the cost.


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Apr 6, 2009)

Killer Chili

 I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "you're definitely going to mess yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

 Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee and some bran flakes nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as 'thunder and lightning'.
  [/align]      Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

 Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

 Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

 The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

 There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

 I don't know what made m e do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

 I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ......BIG mistake!!!!!

 Here's the thing... When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

 Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

 Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was  in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofa@#$%%!', then quickly left.

 Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

 That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

 Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls... The next day I went to shop at Kroger's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store... [/align][/align][/align][/align][/align]      


 [/align]


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Apr 7, 2009)

I liked this one!!

*EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH **
* 
*A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.    
* 
*The Manager says, 'Do you have any  sales experience?'         
* 
*The kid says 'Yeah.  I was a salesman back in Wisconsin .'            
* 
*Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow.  I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'       
* 
*His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.                 
* 
*After the store was locked up, the boss came down.  'How many customers bought something from you today?'          
* 
*The kid says, 'One.'                     
* 
*The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.  How much was the sale for?'                
* 
*The kid says,  '$101,237.65.'         
* 
*The boss says,  '$101,237.65?  What the heck did you sell?'      
* 
*The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook.  Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was  going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.  Then he said he didn't   think his his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'          

 The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'                   
 The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your  weekend's shot, you should go fishing." 
*[/align][/align]


----------



## blobbottlebob (Apr 7, 2009)

Ha! Finally a joke about fellow Wisconsinites that doesn't involve cheesheads or drunks. Sorry, I'm repeating myself.


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Apr 11, 2009)

*Sign in an INDIANA store front window*
  [/align] 
*'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000* *AL QAEDA TERRORISTS*
*THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!'*

*This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Whiting,* *Indiana. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.**

**However, we are a society which holds freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. **



**And after all, it is just a sign.**

**You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.**


**Answer:* 



    [/align]   [/align] * Owen's Funeral Home...**


**You gotta love it! **

**God Bless  America !!!!*


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Apr 11, 2009)

*There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE  LORD!' * 

 One day an atheist moved into the house next door.   
 He became irritated at the little old lady. 
 Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!' 

 Time passed with the two of them carrying on this 
 way every day.  

 One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!   

 The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.   

 'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!' 

 The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges   
 and shouted: 
 'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!' 

 The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!   HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE  DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 11, 2009)

Got this as an email:

 Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in for my wife's grandfather. While my wife's brother and I were fitting the fan between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:









 A JC Penney Catolog from 1977. It's not often that blog fodder falls in my lap, but holy h*** this was 2 solid inches of it, right there for the taking.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 11, 2009)

I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 11, 2009)

Also â€“ I am totally getting this for my bathroom:






 Thereâ€™re plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however, Iâ€™m not going to bore you with that. Instead, Iâ€™m going to bore you with something else. The clothes.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 11, 2009)

The clothes are fantastic. 
 Here's how to get your a** kicked in elementary school: 




 Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help 
 just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long. And way to 
 pull them up to your armpits, grandpa.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 11, 2009)

Here's how to get your a** kicked in high school:





 This kid looks like he's pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a 
 cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover 
 cop. Who is pretending to be 15.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 11, 2009)

Here's how to get your a** kicked on the golf course:




 This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate 
 for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see 
 wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even 
 then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made 
 you, and as a one-piece, it's slightly more effective as a deterrent against a**-
 rapery.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 11, 2009)

Here's how to get your a** kicked pretty much anywhere:




 If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his 
 hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he doesn't, although you can tell just 
 by looking at them that it's happened - or if it hasn't happened it will. Oh yes. It 
 will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 11, 2009)

Here's how to get your a** kicked at the beach: 




 He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know it's probably just a bottle of 
 suntan lotion in a holster.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 11, 2009)

How to get your a** kicked in a meeting:




 If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be 
 fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or 
 imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 11, 2009)

How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's 
 Day:




 Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO 
 excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body 
 guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 11, 2009)

In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.





 As does your search for chest hair.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 11, 2009)

And this -- Seriously. No words.





 Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What. The. 
 F***. I'm guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The 
 little tie must be the pull tab.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 11, 2009)

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I'm guessing that 
 in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. This couple
 looks happy, don't they?


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 11, 2009)

And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of 
 matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says "I 
 love the way your junk fights against that fabric."


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 11, 2009)

Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth 
 jumpsuits:


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 11, 2009)

I could go on, but I'm tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it's 
 the colors. That said, I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers: 




 Man, that's sexy!


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Apr 11, 2009)

boy im glad i didnt live in those times, i just had to go through jams, parachute pants, and really big poofy hair. (80s)


----------



## cc6pack (Apr 17, 2009)

*                                              Ole & Sven*

 Ole and Sven were fishing one day when 
 Sven pulled out a cigar. 
 Finding he had no matches, 
 he asked Ole for a light. 

 'Ya, shure, I haff a lighter,' 
 he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. 

 'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??' 

 'Vell,' replied Ole, 
 'I got it from my Genie.' 

 'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.. 

 'Ya, shure. It's right here in my 
 tackle box,' says Ole. 

 'Could I see him?' 

 Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie. 


 Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?' 

 'Yes, I will,' says the Genie. 

 So Sven asks the Genie for 
 a million bucks. 


 The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks. 

 Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead... 


 Over the roar of the million ducks, 
 Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, 
 I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!' 

 Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"


----------



## Stardust (Apr 17, 2009)

A lumberjack from Ontario decided to tour across America, when he got to Oregon he fell in love with the area so decided to find a job and settle down.
He applied for the open position of "Log Inspector" at one of the local mills so the foreman and the owner take him out to see what he really knows.
The foreman stops the truck and points to a tree and says, "What species is that big tree over there, and how many board feet of lumber does it contain?"
 "That's a Douglas Fir, 383 board feet." the lumberjack answers, the foreman can see the owner is impressed.
They continue on about another mile and the foreman points to another tree and asks the same question.
 "Hemlock, 285 board feet." the lumberjack answers, again the owner is visibly impressed.
After the third stop the owner is praising the lumberjack's talent and foreman is getting a bit worried that this new guy is actually smarter than him, he has to do something to make him look bad. He stops the truck and hands the lumberjack a piece do chalk, " Get out and mark the front of that big tree over there," he says winking at the owner.
The lumberjack gets out, walks around the tree while looking at the ground, stops and puts an X on the tree and returns to the truck.
 "How in the heck do you know that is the front of the tree?" the foreman asks sarcastically.
 "Cause somebody took a shit behind it." the lumberjack replied. 
He got the foreman's job.


----------



## blobbottlebob (Apr 18, 2009)

> There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.


 
 Oh my goodness GeorgiaVol. I missed this post before and was just catching up on the jokes. This story is hilarious. Thanks for posting it.

 And nice pics pyshodoodle.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot 
as a Christmas gift. 
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. 
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the 
gift I bought you last year!" 
And that's how the fight started..... 
************************************************************************
My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?" 
I replied "Dust." 
And that's how the fight started..... 
************************************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. 
She is not happy with what she sees and says t o her husband, 'I feel 
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.' 
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' 
And that's how the fight started..... 
************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. 
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds. 
I bought her a scale. 
And that's how the fight started ...... 
************************************************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' 
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. 
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' 
And that's when the fight started.... 
************************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were 
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 
'No,' she answered. 
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' 
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' 
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' 
And that's when the fight started.... 
************************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light fo r $14.95. 
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer 
would make her look better at night than the cold cream. 
And that's when the fight started.....


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

When asked to draw a picture of what they wanted to be when they grew
up, second-grader "Sarah" turned in the lovely drawing shown below.
Needless to say, the teacher was a bit surprised -- Mrs. Smith had
always seemed like such a conservative woman. So she sent a note home
to the girl's mother asking for clarification as to the picture's
meaning. (read Mom's reply below the picture) 












(Here's the reply the teacher received the following day) 
Dear Mrs. Jones, 
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic
dancer. 
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week
before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we
had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people
were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me
dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow
shovel we had at Home Depot. 
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before
she turns it in. 
Sincerely, 
Mrs. Smith


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN) 

To those of us who have children in our lives, 
whether they are our own, 
grandchildren, 
nieces, 
nephews, 
or students... 
here is something to make you chuckle. 
Whenever your children are out of control, 
you can take comfort from the thought that 
even God's omnipotence did not extend 
to His own children. 
After creating heaven and earth, 
God created Adam and Eve. 
And the first thing he said was 
' DON'T !' 
'Don 't what ? ' 
Adam replied. 
'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' 
God said. 
'Forbidden fruit ? 
We have forbidden fruit ? 
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! ' 


' No Way ! ' 
'Yes way ! ' 
'Do NOT eat the fruit ! ' 
said God. 


'Why ? ' 
'Because I am your Father and I said so ! ' 
God replied, 
wondering why He hadn't stopped 
creation after making the elephants 
A few minutes later, 
God saw His children having an apple break 
and He was ticked ! 
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? ' 
God asked. 




'Uh huh,' 
Adam replied. 
'Then why did you ? ' 
said the Father. 
'I don't know,' 
said Eve. 
'She started it! ' 
Adam said. 
'Did not ! ' 
'Did too ! ' 
'DID NOT ! ' 
Having had it with the two of them, 
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve 
should have children of their own. 
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. 
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, 
don't be hard on yourself. 
If God had trouble raising children, 
what makes you think it would be 
a piece of cake for you ? 
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of their life 
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend 
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 
2. Grandchildren are God's reward 
for not killing your own children. 
3. Mothers of teens now know why 
some animals eat their young. 
4. Children seldom misquote you. 
In fact, 
they usually repeat word for word 
what you shouldn't have said 
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties 
is to remind yourself that there are children 
more awful than your own 
6. We childproofed our homes, 
but they are still getting in. 


ADVICE FOR THE DAY: 
Be nice to your kids. 
They will choose your 
nursing home one day 
AND FINALLY: 
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION 
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, 
DO WHAT IT SAYS 
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: 



'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN' 
AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

This is for those mother's of boys, sisters of boys, and boys that have grown older.   
And anyone else who needs a laugh. 

Why boys need parents...


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

Hopefully this is not offensive... it's funny to me. I am not going to embed. If it gets deleted, I'm sorry if I offended anyone.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

OK - This is the funniest one, but again, I'm not going to imbed and I hope I'm not offending anyone... this came in an email, so it's been traveling around the country. I think he wants to be a Stormtrooper, but not quite sure.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Apr 18, 2009)

*And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like... *
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 

 2! .) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 

 3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 

 4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 

 5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 

 6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 

 7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late. 

 8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 

 9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies. 

 10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy. 

 11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 

 12.) Super glue is forever. 

 13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 

 14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 

 15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 

 16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 

 17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 

 18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. 

 19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. 

 20.) The fire department in Austin ! , TX has a 5-minute response time. 

 21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 

 22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy. 

 23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 
*
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids. 

 25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.* 


*
*[/align]


----------



## RedGinger (Apr 18, 2009)

LOL


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Apr 18, 2009)

When I started this thread I was just trying to "lighten things up" I always enjoy a good laugh.  I certainly did NOT mean to offend or bother anyone.  If you want this to be a "bottle only" forum then thats fine.  I just dont think it would be as much fun as learning about others interests besides bottles.  This is just my opinion, but I must follow the rules of the forum.


----------



## cyberdigger (Apr 19, 2009)

What a UTOPIA it would be if we were not allowed to speak of anything but bottles.. it would drive me to drinkin'...[&:]


----------



## cc6pack (Apr 20, 2009)

*pysho*

 I think it's nice of you to warn  the tea totalers that something may be inapporate, I've done it on a few of my posts. BTW I found nothing you posted offensive, I just need to quit drinking coffee when I look at this category, I hate trying to get coffee out of the keyboard, and cleaning the screen. Anybody know where you can get cheap keyboards[]  



*                                           Ethel & Margaret*



 *LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER* ....



 Judy got married and had 13 children..

 Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.

 She married again, and her & Bob had 7 more children.

 Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

 Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, her & John had 5 more children.


 Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

 Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

 He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
 "Lord, they are finally together."

 Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

 "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
 Margaret replied:....









 "I think he means her legs, Ethel..."


----------



## RedGinger (Apr 20, 2009)

LOL.  Thanks forthe laughs on both counts.


----------



## capsoda (Apr 23, 2009)

Recently I asked my friendâ€™s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday.
 Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "Iâ€™d give food and houses to all the homeless people."
 Her parents beamed. "Wow...what a worthy goal." I then told her, "But you donâ€™t have to wait until youâ€™re President to do that; you can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my sidewalks, and Iâ€™ll pay you $50. Then Iâ€™ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
 She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesnâ€™t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
 I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her parents still arenâ€™t speaking to me.


----------



## blobbottlebob (Apr 23, 2009)

Pretty funny Warren. I just wrote up a dive story that again mentions you. I'll post it in the next few days.


----------



## capsoda (Apr 24, 2009)

I just want everyone to know that what ever Bob puts up, I wasn't there, I didn't do it, I have never seen that girl before, I was just askin her for Directions!!!!!

 I will have to read it when I get back from Mehico. Saright. (roll that R in a your best Mehican voice. []


----------



## pyshodoodle (May 6, 2009)

Sick Leave

  I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I
  knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that
  maybe if I acted 'Crazy' Then he would tell me to take a< /I>
  few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny
  noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was
  pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was
 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
  A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and
  asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
  I told him I was a light bulb.
  He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
  Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
  I jumped down and walked out of the office...
  When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her,
 '...And where do you think you're going?!'
  (You're gonna love this....)


 She said, 'I'm going home too.
 I can't work in the dark.


----------



## appliedlips (May 6, 2009)

[]


----------



## OsiaBoyce (May 6, 2009)

.


----------



## OsiaBoyce (May 6, 2009)

.


----------



## OsiaBoyce (May 6, 2009)

Nothing funny about trees? Sure there is. These are supposed to be loaded w/ fruit. Seems like someone used Tordon and 2-4-d in there sprayer last year. This year it was'nt washed out good enough when I went to spray the blumes. Now instead of bug free friut, I'll lucky if they live till next year. Better than that,good thing I did not spray everythimg.


----------



## glass man (May 6, 2009)

SORRY PAT THIS WAS UNDER JOKES ETC. SO I WAS BEING A SMART ASS SORRY! JAMIE


----------



## glass man (May 6, 2009)

> ORIGINAL: capsoda
> 
> 
> Recently I asked my friendâ€™s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday.
> ...


 AH COME ON CAP AIN'T NO REPUBLICAN GONNA PAY $50 TO GET THEY YARD DONE WHEN THEY CAN GET AN ILLIGAL TO DO IT FOR$5![]


----------



## glass man (May 6, 2009)

> ORIGINAL: lobeycat
> 
> man that ain't funny[&o]


  YOUR RIGHT LOBES JUST TRYING TO LIGHTEN IT UP SOME! TREES ARE PRETTY TOUGH AND GIVEN TIME THEY WILL PULL THROUGH! I HAVE ONE THAT SPLIT AND ONE HALF IS ON THE GROUND ,BUT THE LEAVES ARE STILL GROWING!


----------



## pyshodoodle (May 6, 2009)

*My 1 day employment*
 So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
 a good find for many retirees,
 I lasted less than a day.......
 About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
 unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
 yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
 As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to
 Wal-Mart.
 Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
 The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the
 hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
 So I replied,
 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
 I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
 Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

 My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.


----------



## RedGinger (May 6, 2009)

That sounds like our Walmart.


----------



## capsoda (May 6, 2009)

> SO I WAS BEING A SMART ASS SORRY!


 Now thats funny!!!

 Like none of us have ever been a smart ass.[] And you know that no politician in Washington would ever use illegals for labor in their home. That is why they call it DC...DISASTER COMING!!!


----------



## capsoda (May 6, 2009)

Hey Pat, Are those peach trees???


----------



## OsiaBoyce (May 6, 2009)

Seems I'm missing something? Jamie,you say something I need to know about.


----------



## OsiaBoyce (May 6, 2009)

1st pic peaches, 2nd pear, 3rd plum. Blueberrys fried. Figs and grapes were'nt sprayed thank goodness.


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## capsoda (May 6, 2009)

Peaches and plumbs only live about 7 years. Pear trees live a long time and probably recover. Ya just have to set new blueberries. Did you ever consider Catawba trees and selling the worms? How about kudzu? There are several kudzu farmers in Alabama. The Japanese use the roots to make some tasteless poo like tofu. Just turn the kudzu over with a plow, pick up the roots and wash them and sell, sell, sell. Doesn't take much to grow kudzu and you don't have to worry about weed killer because you can kill that s#*t. I did the catawba worms when I was truck farming and it worked out pretty well.


----------



## cc6pack (May 12, 2009)

*Please note if you're offended by off color jokes skip this one.*











*                                               The Old Biker* 


 A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

 As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

 COLD BEER: $2.00

 HAMBURGER: $2.25

 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

 HAND JOB: $50.00

 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

 She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.

 "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

 The old biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

 She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

 The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good 'cause I want a cheeseburger".


----------



## glass man (May 12, 2009)

GOOD ONE DENNIS! NO PAT I JUST MADE SOME REMARK I THOUGHT WAS FUNNY AT FIRST,BUT REALIZED IT WASN'T ,DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS,BUT YOU KNOW RONALD REAGEN SAID TREES KILL PEOPLE,WHEN HE WAS TALKING BOUT THE RAIN FOREST. I REMEMBER SEEING A SIGN IN A TREE THAT REAGENS MOTERCADE HAD TO PASS THROUGH, THE SIGN SAID " KILL ME BEFORE I KILL AGAIN".                           LIKE DENNIS SAID IF OFF COLOR JOKES OFFEND YOU DON'T READ THIS ONE EITHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO A HUGE GUY THAT HAD A TINY HEAD! THE GUY SAYS TO THE BIG GUY"I AM SORRY ,BUT I COULDN'T HELP NOTICING HOW SMALL YOUR HEADS IS" WELL THE GUY SAYS" I FOUND THIS LAMP AND A GENIE POPS OUT AND SAYS I ONLY GRANT ONE WISH,SO WHAT IS YOUR WISH AND THE GUY SAYS "I WANT A LITTLE HEAD:![]


----------



## sodapops (May 12, 2009)

One of my all time favorites. Not meet to offend. God I love this country.


----------



## capsoda (May 12, 2009)

I like this one...


----------



## glass man (May 12, 2009)

DAMN,CAP! GET ON OUT O HERE WITH YOUR BAD SELF![8D][]


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## cc6pack (May 12, 2009)

*                                RENT FOR APARTMENT*

 A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
 the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
 and, before he left, he told her that he did
 not have any cash with him, but he would have his
 secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
 the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

 On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
 done, realizing that the whole event had not been
 worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check
 for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

 "Dear Madam:
 Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
 apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
 because when I rented the place, I was under the
 impression that:

 #1 - it had never been occupied;
 #2 - there was plenty of heat; and
 #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
 However, I found out that:
 #1 - it had been previously occupied,
 #2 - there wasn't any heat, and
 #3 - it was entirely too large."


 Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
 returned the check for $250 with the following note:


 "Dear Sir:

 #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
 beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
 #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
 know how to turn it on.
 #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
 regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
 to fill it, please do not blame the management.
 So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact
 your present landlady."


----------



## GeorgiaVol (May 13, 2009)

--*'Holy Prostitutes'*

 A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: 

 SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
 HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
 10 MILES

 He thinks this is a figment
 of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

 Soon he sees another sign which reads:

 SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS 
 HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
 5 MILES

 Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

 SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
 HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
 NEXT
 RIGHT

 His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

 SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
*
 He climbs the steps and rings the! bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'*

 He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door..'

 He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' 

 He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

 The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
*
 GO IN PEACE. 
 YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.  SERVES  YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER*


----------



## glass man (May 15, 2009)

THAT IS FUNNY!!!![][][]


----------



## cc6pack (May 15, 2009)

.


----------



## ajohn (May 16, 2009)

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/2004021/6412159


----------



## GeorgiaVol (May 23, 2009)

[font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"][font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"][font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"][font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"]The difference between the North and the South - at last, clearly explained....   [/align] The North has Bloomingdale's , the South has Dollar General.     
 [/align] The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses .   
 [/align] The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.   
 [/align] The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.   
 [/align] The North has double last names; the South has double first names.   
 [/align] The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .   
 [/align] North has Cream of Wheat , the South has grits.   
 [/align]  The North has green salads, the South has collard greens .   
 [/align] The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish .   
 [/align] The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt .   
 [/align] FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . .. ....   
 [/align] In the South : --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.   
 [/align] Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store..... Do not buy food at this store.   
 [/align] Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all 
 y'all's' is plural possessive.   
 [/align] Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'   
 [/align] Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it. [/align]  Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. [/align]  Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced 
 dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.   
 The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper ...   
 [/align] Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here.     
 [/align] If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.   
 [/align] If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. 
 [/align] Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.   [/align]  In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a [/align] driveway.   
 [/align] AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners . After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna   call 'em biscuits. [/align][/font][/font][/font][/font]


----------



## GeorgiaVol (May 23, 2009)

If you dont laugh at this one there is something wrong with you!

*Southern Ingenuity* [/align][/align][/align][/align][/align]         One morning 3 Alabama good old boys and 3 Yankees were in a ticket line at the Birmingham train station heading to Atlanta for a big football game. [/align][/align][/align][/align]     The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Southerners bought just one ticket among them.
 "How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the Yankees. 
 "Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the South. 
 When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the 3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door. [/align][/align][/align][/align]     Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. 
 He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on. 
 The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. [/align][/align][/align][/align]     That evening after the game when they got to the Atlanta train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket. [/align][/align][/align][/align]     "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees. 
 "Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys. 
 When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it. [/align][/align][/align][/align]     Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said "ticket ple ase". [/align][/align][/align][/align]     
 There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war...


----------



## GeorgiaVol (May 25, 2009)

*THE YEAR 1909*[/align] 
*This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! 
 The year is 1909. One hundred years ago. 
 What a difference a century makes! 
 Here are some statistics for the Year 1909 :* ************* ********* ********* ******* 
*The average life expectancy was  **47 years.* *Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.* *Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.* *There were only 8,000 cars and only * *144 miles o**f paved roads.* *The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.* *The tallest structure in the world was the* *Eiffel Tower* *The average wage in 1909 was 22 cents per hour.* *The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .* *A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
 A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.* *More than 95 percent of all births took place at **HOME**.* *Ninety percent of all doctors had * *NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!* Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which Were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard. ' 
*Sugar cost **four cents a pound.* *Eggs were **fourteen cents a dozen.* *Coffee was **fifteen cents a pound.* *Most women only washed their hair  **once a month, and used* Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. 
*Canada *passed a law that prohibited poor people from Entering into their country for any reason. 
*Five leading causes of death were:* *1. Pneumonia and influenza 
 2. Tuberculosis
 3. Diarrhea
 4. Heart disease 
 5. Stroke* 
*The American flag had 45 stars.* 
*The population of **Las Vegas, Nevada**, **was only 30!!!!* 
*Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea* *Hadn't been invented yet.* 
*There was no Mother's Day or **Father's Day.* 
*Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.* *Only 6 percent of all Americans had * *Graduated from high school.* 
*Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."*   ( Shocking? DUH! )[/align][/align] 
*Eighteen percent of households had at least* One full-time servant or domestic help.  
*There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE * *U.S.A.** !*[/align]


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## GeorgiaVol (Jun 6, 2009)

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She`s listing to starboard, Captain!") 
 Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow: 
 Five reasons to believe computers are female:
 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
 3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don`t know why I`m mad at you, then I`m certainly not going to tell you."
 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
 However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
 Five reasons to believe computers are male: 
 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.


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## cc6pack (Jun 10, 2009)

I'll never think of Wally World the same anymore[]


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Jun 10, 2009)

*Are you a Southerner????*

*Southern women appreciate their natural assets: 
 Clean skin.
 A winning smile.
 That unforgettable Southern drawl.

 Southern women know their manners:
 "Yes, ma'am."
 "Yes, sir.."
 "Why, no, Billy!" 

 Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions : 
 "Y'all come back!"
 "Well, bless your heart."
 "Drop by when you can."
 "How's your Momma?" 

 Southern women know their summer weather report: 
 Humidity
 Humidity
 Humidity

 Southern women know their vacation spots: 
 The beach
 The rivuh
 The crick

 Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
 Colorful hi-heel sandals 
 Strapless sun dresses
 Iced sweet tea with mint

 Southern women know everybody's first  name:
 Honey
 Darlin'
 Shugah

 Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
 Fried Green Tomatoes
 Driving Miss Daisy
 Steel Magnolias
 Gone With The Wind

 Southern women know their religions: 
 Baptist
 Methodist
 Football

 Southern women know their country breakfasts:
 Red-eye gravy
 Grits 
 Eggs
 Country ham
 Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly

 Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
 Chawl'stn 
 S'vanah
 Foat  Wuth
 N'awlins
 Addlanna

 Southern women know their elegant gentlemen: 
 Men in uniform
 Men in tuxedos
 Rhett Butler

 Southern girls know their prime real estate:
 The Mall
 The Country Club
 The Beauty Salon

 Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
 Having bad hair and nails
 Having bad manners
 Cooking bad food
*[/align] *
*[/align] *
*[/align] *More Suthen-ism's: 
 Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

 Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." 

 Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." 

 Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

 Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table. 

 All Southerners know exactly  when "by and by" is.  They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

 Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad.  If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin! 

 Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece."  They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

 Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash. 

 No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make  a turn.

 A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

 Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, .... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody! 

 Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

 In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

 Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

 Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. 

 When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

 Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk"  Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened.  "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. 

 And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.  You just say, "Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.

 To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.  Bless your heart!*[/align] *
*[/align] *And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language! 

 And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."*[/align] *
 Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

 If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart,  fake it.  We know you got here as fast as you could!!   *[/align]


----------



## cc6pack (Jun 11, 2009)

Well Matt Bless yo little pea pickin heart[] 





*                                       Dear Abby,
*
 I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

 I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs are phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

 I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

 Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

 Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

 Signed,


 Concerned Golfer 





 Always fly Southwest and now you know whyâ€¦. 

 A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago ... 
 The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' 

 The mother, (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to go ask the flight attendant. 
 So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" 

 The flight attendant, who was more than busy, gave a strained smile and said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" 
 "Yes, she did." 

 Well then, you go back and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that one to you." 




*The Corvette* 


  Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

 "Amazing," he thought as he flew down 1-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights
 flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph . . . then 110 ... then 120.

 Suddenly he thought, "What am 1 doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

 Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. To-day is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

 The old gentleman paused, then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off
 with a Florida State Trooper. I couldn't take the chance that you were bringing her back."

 "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Jul 30, 2009)

Remember when your mother told you not to take money from strangers?

 This is the one she was talking about!


----------



## glass man (Jul 31, 2009)

[][][] " THE CANDY MAN YES THE CANDY MAN CAN"![:-]


----------



## Wilkie (Aug 11, 2009)

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.
 A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

 A  Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

 An ILLINOIS doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of ILLINOIS, put him in the White House for SIX MONTHS, and now half the country is looking for work


----------



## pyshodoodle (Aug 12, 2009)

After every flight, ups pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of >humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by ups ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
 By the way, ups is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
 S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
 P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
 S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
 P: Something loose in cockpit
 S: Something tightened in cockpit
 P: Dead bugs on windshield.
 S: Live bugs on back-order.
 P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
 S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
 P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
 S: Evidence removed.
 P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
 S: DME volume set to more believable level.
 P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
 S: That's what friction locks are for.
 P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
 S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
 P: Suspected crack in windshield.
 S: Suspect you're right.
 P: Number 3 engine missing.
 S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
 P: Aircraft handles funny.
 S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
 P: Target radar hums.
 S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
 P: Mouse in cockpit.
 S: Cat installed.
 P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
 S: Took hammer away from midget


----------



## Wilkie (Aug 13, 2009)

For all you hunters.


 Dave was attending his hunting club's monthly meeting and had just told them
 he couldn't make the hunting trip scheduled for the next day because his
 wife wouldn't let him go. 

 After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow
 hunting buddies Dave left to go back home to his wife.

 When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should
 be there but Dave sitting in front of his tent, beer in hand, camp oven
 roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

 "How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?"

 "I didn't have to" was Dave's reply.

 "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a
 beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my
 eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

 When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful
 see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the
 bed and you can do whatever you want."

 SO HERE I AM!!!


----------



## capsoda (Aug 14, 2009)

What to do on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a real jerk:

 1.  Take out your laptop. 

 2.  Slowly open your laptop. 

 3.  Turn it on. 

 4.  Make certain your neighbor is watching. 

 5.  Open your internet browser. 

 6.  Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look 

 up to the sky, or the heavens if you will. 

 7.  Breathe deeply and open the site http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

 8.  Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Aug 14, 2009)

Thanks cap - I was going to post that one the other day and never found the time!


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## capsoda (Aug 14, 2009)

> Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
 > go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
 > Jane in a passionate embrace.
 >
 > Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain
 > himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mummy, I was at
 > the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
 > I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he
 > helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
 > pants off, then Aunt Jane..."
 >
 > At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
 > interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time...I want to
 > see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
 >
 > At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his
 > story Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw
 > Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and
 > he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
 > shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane
 > and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to
 > do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs."
 > Mummy fainted!
 > Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the
 > whole story before you interrupt!


----------



## RedGinger (Aug 15, 2009)

Check this out.  I would like to find the ones they are photoshopping.  I think it would be very funny!

http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/your-shot/daily-dozen


----------



## RedGinger (Aug 15, 2009)

Oops, go to August Week 1 and the squirrel photo.
http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/your-shot/daily-dozen


----------



## glass man (Aug 16, 2009)

> ORIGINAL:  Antiquenut
> 
> YOU ARE BEING WATCHED(a very short crime story)
> 
> ...


 


 GOOD ONE [][][][][][][][]


----------



## appliedlips (Aug 16, 2009)

What's photoshopped? It looks like a ground squirrel posed in front of the camera while the timer was set. Cool picture, what's the odds?


----------



## pyshodoodle (Aug 17, 2009)

I just saw that squirrel on the news. The couple is going to be on the Today Show tomorrow morning. 

 Kate


----------



## RedGinger (Aug 17, 2009)

I meant people are photoshopping the original and putting the squirrel in different settings around the world.


----------



## RedGinger (Aug 17, 2009)

This one is for you Kate.  I cant stop laughing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfMoHs_U9-g


----------



## OsiaBoyce (Aug 17, 2009)

Warren that was just damn funny there.

 While we're on the subject of planes.

 Why don't blind people sky dive?


 Scares the crap outta their dogs


----------



## pyshodoodle (Aug 17, 2009)

Lauren - That was.................. weird![]


----------



## glass man (Aug 17, 2009)

> Today Show tomorrow


 AFTER THAT "YESTERSDAYS SHOW NEXT WEEK" JAMIE


----------



## RedGinger (Aug 17, 2009)

"Don't Copy my video!" he says.  ROFL  I think the comments are just as funny as the video.  I went back several pages and laughed my head off.


----------



## RedGinger (Aug 17, 2009)

Okay guys, if you know the original Hamster Dance song and video, the link was pretty funny.[][]  I just played the song and did the dance for Joe LMAO


----------



## RedGinger (Aug 17, 2009)

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32444890?GT1=43001

 Here's the real squirrel story.


----------



## cc6pack (Aug 17, 2009)

*                                           THE JOB - URINE TEST*

 (Whoever wrote this one deserves a pat on the back!)


 Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I
 pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In
 order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test
 with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the
 distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

 So here is my question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get
 a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please
 understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their
 feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone
 sitting on their rump-doing drugs, while I work. Can you imagine how
 much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to
 get a public assistance check? I guess we could title that program,
 'Urine or You're Out'.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 All the best!
 An American Tax Payer


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Aug 17, 2009)

The object of the game is to destroy American capitalism by having the  government take over everything!

 Tokens include a bus, a teleprompter,  a sprig of arugula and a waffle iron.

 Wanna play?  [/align] 
 No??? [/align] 
 Too bad, you're already playing... [/align] 








 I thought this was well thought out and pretty darn funny........kinda scary, but pretty funny


----------



## capsoda (Aug 18, 2009)

PRESIDENT OBAMA's GOLF TSAR                                                
  ANNOUNCES THE FOLLOWING                                                    
  RULE CHANGES TO THE GAME OF GOLF                                           


  Golfers  with handicaps:                                                   
  - below 10 will have their green fees increase by  35%                     
  - between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees                     
  - above 18 will play for free and even get a check from                    
   the club/course played                                                    

  The $ amount put in for bets will be as follows:                           
  - for handicaps below 10 an additional $10                                 
  - between 11 and 18 no additional amount                                   
  - above 18 you will divide the total amount in the pot                     
   (and you do not even have to play).                                       

  The term â€œgimme puttâ€ will be changed to â€œentitlement puttâ€                
  and will be used as follows:                                               
  - handicaps below 10, no entitlements                                      
  - handicaps abov e 11 to 17, entitlements for putter-length putts          
  - handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt; just pick it up   

  These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness in scoring         
  so that the final scores of all players will be about the same.            

  In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or        
  six pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have        
  not yet scored a birdie or par.                                            

  Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player       
  making the birdie or par, can that Player begin to count his score         
  again.                                                                     

  The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above                
  purposes but the term 'net score' will be available only for scoring       
  those players with handicaps 18 and above.                                 

  This is intended to 'redistribute' the success of winning                  
  by making sure that in every competition the                               
  'above 18' handicap players will post                                      
  only 'net score' against every other                                       
  player's gross score.                                                      

  Per Obama.                                                                 
  â€œThese new Rules are intended                                              
  to CHANGE the game of golf.                                                
  Golf must be about fairness only,                                          
  and have nothing to do with ability.â€


----------



## pyshodoodle (Aug 21, 2009)

Random thoughts from people 25-35 years old..

 -I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

 -More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
 think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
 my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
 me.

 -Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you 
 realize you're wrong.

 -I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
 have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
 sticks when they've invented the lighter?

 -Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're 
 going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed 
 to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in 
 the direction from which you came, you have to first do something 
 like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and 
 mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area 
 thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

 -That's enough, Nickelback.

 -I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was 
 younger.

 -Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may 
 know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately 
 choose not to be friends with?

 -Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it 
 wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would 
 magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how 
 did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or 
 message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are 
 soft.

*-There is a great need for sarcasm font*.


 -I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
 becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
 laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
 bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
 only one who really, really gets it.

 -How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

 -I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand 
 than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

 - I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
 your computer history if you die.

 -The only time I look forward to a red light is when Im trying to
 finish a text.

 - A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the 
 spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

 - LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing 
 else to say".

 - I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and 
 hunger.

 - Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a 
 Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

 - Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", 
 all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

 - How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just 
 nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

 - Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
 examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete 
 idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and 
 said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

 -What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow 
 each other?

 - While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
 instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

 - MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
 know how to get out of my neighborhood.

 - Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
 person died.

 - I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
 shower first and THEN turn on the water.

 -Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
 and you can wear them forever.

 -I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

* - Bad decisions make good stories  []*

 -Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
 profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
 the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind 
 if I do!

 - Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier 
 every year?

 -If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
 would probably just be completely invisible.

 -Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go 
 around and say their name and where they are from, I get so 
 incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this 
 shouldn't be a problem....

 -You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at 
 work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing 
 anything productive for the rest of the day.

 -Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
 want to have to restart my collection.

 -There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
 going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

 -I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
 if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
 swear I did not make any changes to.

 - "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this 
 ever.

 -I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
 watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will
 they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't
 watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and
 leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

 -I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
 Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
 goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the 
 phone and run away?

 - I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
 seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

 -When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
 hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
 internet stalking.

 -I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
 then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

 -Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
 speed for pedophiles...

 - As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
 but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

 -Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
 not know what time it is.

 -It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

 -I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not 
 to answer when they call.

 -Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do 
 to with it.

 -Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
 keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the
 Donkey - but Id bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
 button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first 
 time every time...

 -My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would 
 happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

 -It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and
 the link takes me to a video instead of text.

 -I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
 drive behind obeys the speed limit.

 -I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

 -I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
 Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

 -The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, 
 saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other 
 words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to 
 think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four 
 people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was 
 eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat 
 bastard before dinner.


----------



## glass man (Aug 21, 2009)

DENNIS- I THINK EVERY ONE IN THE OLE U. S. A . SHOULD TAKE RADOM URINE TEST! INCLUDING ALL POLITICIANS,CAUSE THEY GET MORE OF YOUR BUCKS THEN ANY OTHER  INDIVIDUAL![OOPS FORGOT BOUT THOSE COPORATE CEO'S THAT GET THEM FAT OLE BONUS MONEY!] ALL THESE PEOPLE SIT ON THEY ARSE'S AND GET MORE MONEY THEN I HAVE OR EVER WILL SEE IN MY LIFE TIME! COURSE THEY'S ALWAYS A WAY ROUND ANYTHING ,BUT GOD! GOT A METH HEAD NEIGHBOR THAT IS KILLING HER GRAND MA AND MAMA,WHO NINA HELPS CAUSE THEY WORSE OFF THEN US. THEY TRYING TO GET HER AWAY,BUT YOU KNOW BOUT BAD PENNIES OR SOMEN LIKE THAT. ANY WAY THEY TELL HER [?[:-] WHATS THE RAMDOM IN THAT?] WHEN SHE IS GONNA HAVE A DRUG TEST! THEY TAKE HAIR SAMPLES CAUSE THAT IS SPOSED TO BE MORE EFFECTIVE! WELL ALL SHE DOES IS BLEACH HER HAIR AND.....DRUG FREE! WE PRAYING FOR HER AND ALSO PRAYING SHE WILL GET AWAY WITH HER 30+ OLD SELF. COURSE WHAT SHE DON'T KNOW IS GONNA HURT HER. DE-FACTS [AND NOTHING BUT DE-FACTS MAM![8D]]CALLED NINA TO ASK ABOUT THE SITUATION [PERMISSION GIVEN BY METH HEADS MOM. YEP METH HEAD HAS KIDS! NINA TOLD THE TRUTH. AND THE TRUTH WILL SET EM FREE OR IN JAIL.I PRAY FOR THIS WOMEN WITH ALL MY HEART,SHE AIN'T GONNA BE ON THIS OLE EARTH MUCH LONGER WAY SHE IS GOING! JESUS CAN FORGIVE AND HELP ANY ONE ,BUT SHE WILL HAVE TO ASK,ONLY SHE CAN DO THAT. THANG IS I PRAY IF SHE GOES SHE DON'T TAKE THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT LOVE HER TOO! [] DAMN METH AND GREED! JAMOUS THE WILD EYED COWPOKE [WATCING TOO MUCH LONESOME DOVE,GREAT MOVIE!]


----------



## ktbi (Aug 21, 2009)

Thought I'd post a link to a very funny video...Enjoy.....Ron

 http://sg.video.yahoo.com/network/100000086?v=5737188&l=100000085


----------



## capsoda (Aug 22, 2009)

And they think they have a problem now....


 LITTLE KNOWN NAVAL HISTORY..........                                                                                                                 

  The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was    
  sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers!).                             

  However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S.Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of    
  475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."                    

  Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."                                                                                               

  Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.                                                              

  Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.          

  On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant     
  ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.                                                                                                           

  By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her       
  landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.                

  The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whiskey, and 38,600     
  gallons of water.


----------



## capsoda (Aug 22, 2009)

"Anyone  with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar,"  the  Preacher says.  

 Leroy  gets in line, and when it's his turn,  the preacher asks: "Leroy,what do  you want me to pray about for you."  

 Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my  hearing." The preacher  puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the  other hand on top of Leroy's  head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a  blue streak for  Leroy.  

 After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands  back  and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"  

 Leroy says, "I  don't know, Reverend, it  ain't til next  Wednesday!"


----------



## Wilkie (Aug 24, 2009)

Here is a bottle related one:


----------



## glass man (Aug 24, 2009)

> ORIGINAL:  ktbi
> 
> Thought I'd post a link to a very funny video...Enjoy.....Ron
> 
> http://sg.video.yahoo.com/network/100000086?v=5737188&l=100000085


   THAT DOG HAD TO GO DIDN'T HE RON![][]


----------



## cc6pack (Aug 24, 2009)

Blonde Joke

 A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
 She accepted the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to threaten her with what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

 Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
 Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.
 Two lessons here:

 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

 2. Blondes aren't always as dumb as most folks think


----------



## bottlenutboy (Aug 24, 2009)

here's a couple i thought were humorous

 Redneck Hunting

 At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

 "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

 "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

 "From what I remember, I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"


----------



## bottlenutboy (Aug 24, 2009)

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

 The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

 "What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

 The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

 "I sure do."

 "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

 "That's real good!" said the redneck.

 The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

 Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

 "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

 "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

 The redneck was catching on.

 "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

 "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

 The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

 "So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

 "Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

 "What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

 "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

 "No," his friend replied.

 "You're queer, ain't ya?"


----------



## bottlenutboy (Aug 24, 2009)

no offense intended[]

 You know you're really trailer trash when...

 The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

 You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

 You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

 Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

 You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

 You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

 Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

 Your Junior / Senior prom had a daycare.

 You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

 The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

 Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

 You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

 Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.


----------



## bottlenutboy (Aug 24, 2009)

How do you castrate a redneck?

 Kick his sister in the chin.


----------



## bottlenutboy (Aug 24, 2009)

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

 The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

 "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

 "What fer?", asked Bubba.

 "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

 Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

 When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

 "No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."


----------



## bottlenutboy (Aug 24, 2009)

i thought this one was hilarious


 A young boy in the second grade, just getting home from school, runs up to his dad.

 "Daddy, daddy! I'm the only one in my class that can count to ten. Why do you reckon so?" 
 "Why that's because you're from Kentucky son," the dad responds.

 The next day the boy gets home from school again and runs up to dad.

 "Daddy, daddy! I'm the only one in my class that knows all the letters in the alphabet. Why do you reckon so?" 
 "That's because you're from Kentucky son," the dad tells him again.

 The next day the kid busts through the door.

 "Daddy. daddy! I'm the only one in school who has a large penis. Is that because I'm from Kentucky?"
 The dad looks at him and says, "No, that's because you're 22."


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Aug 24, 2009)

Bottlenutboy, u shur ar funny!!  HAR!HAR!HAR! I laffed at dem dare jokes fer ours!!


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Aug 24, 2009)

PHOENIX (AP)  â€” A man carrying a copy of the US Constitution was arrested while demonstrating outside President Obamaâ€™s speech to veterans on Monday.  _Hater with hateful hate speech_






    Although Arizona law currently allows citizens to openly carry a Constitution for purposes of self-defense against tyrants and despots, such laws are usurped in the presence of the President. â€œA venue is considered a federal site when the Secret Service is protecting the president and federal law applies on a federal site,â€ said Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan. Because the Constitution contains language â€œlimitingâ€ the powers of President - and was also written by slave-owners who considered blacks to be â€œthree-fifthsâ€ of a person and not eligible for the office of the Presidency - the document is not protected as â€œfree speechâ€. Instead, itâ€™s covered under federal hate speech laws if one is brought within 1000 feet of President Obama. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that the incident was being taken â€œvery seriouslyâ€ and that the FBI was considering further action.  â€œThe US Constitution is a violent and revolutionary document, directly responsible for at least two wars in this nation,â€ said Gibbs. â€œInsurrectionist chatter like that may require us to consider charges of treason. Weâ€™re currently investigating the possibility, which will take some time, since no one in this administration has ever actually examined the document in question.â€ â€œFree speech is not an absolute,â€ explained FBI spokesman John Miller. â€œYou canâ€™t yell â€˜Fire!â€™ in a crowded theater. Waving a Constitution around is essentially yelling â€˜freedom!â€™ at a crowded Obama rally. We consider this sort of offensive language a direct threat to civil order in general an the President in particular, and it will not be tolerated.â€


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Aug 24, 2009)

*FUN FACTS ABOUT SOCIALISTS* 
 * The first socialist was Thog the Puny, who never hunted but thought he should be in charge of how the kills were distributed. He was brutally clubbed to death by the other caveman, and no one blamed them. 
 * The name â€œSocialistâ€ is kinda ironic since theyâ€™re not very social on account of everyone hating them. 
 * Much like the marriage of chocolate and peanut butter, socialism was made through the happenstance union of meddlesomeness and uselessness. 
 * The Founding Fathers originally wanted to put the proper punishment for socialists in the Constitution, but decided the phrase â€œmusket to the junkâ€ just wasnâ€™t appropriate for the document. 
 * If you think you see a socialist, report him to the nearest business owner so he can club him to death. 
 * When socialism destroys the country, many terrorist groups will try to claim credit. Hey, if you want credit for it you better start registering Democrat right now, terrorists. 
 * Oh, youâ€™re already on top of that. 
 * Using socialism to help revive a failing economy is like putting angry weasels down your pants because you need some rest. 
 * How do you tell a socialist from a communist? It what color they burn when you set them on fire. 
 * Socialists have a new weapon â€” the stimulus. With this, theyâ€™ll reward failing businesses with your money. And why wonâ€™t that work to help the economy? Capitalism! 
 * If you find yourself surrounded by socialists, donâ€™t panic. Just try to find the first flight out of Europe. 
 * The socialists main friend is the deadbeat, someone just as lazy and useless as socialist but who never had the idea to turn that into a political ideology. 
 * Obama was first enchanted by the ideals of socialism when he took a economics class while coked out of his mind. 
 * There are a lot of socialists in the animal kingdomâ€¦ no wait, not the animal kingdom. What kingdom are viruses in? 
 * In a fight between Aquaman and socialists, Aquaman will end up penniless and on the streets since all his money will have been taken away to pay for the mortgage Black Manta took out knowing full well he couldnâ€™t afford it. 
 * If a socialist bites you, immediately clean and cauterize the wound before you lose half your income to lazy people. 
 * The socialistâ€™s main weaknesses are actual work and @#$-kickings. 
 * Oh, and clubs.

 (Dont know if I can plug a website, but I am giving credit to where the last 2 came from: IMAO.COM  Its a pretty funny website.............unless you are a liberal, socialist, leftist, democrat, Obama supporter, or all around wuss with no sense of humor.)


----------



## bottlenutboy (Aug 24, 2009)

Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first made love.

 "It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem.

 "That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed. 

 "Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us."

 "Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you makin' love to her daughter?"

 "Baaaaaaaaa..."


----------



## bottlenutboy (Aug 24, 2009)

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
 enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
 his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have
 any more children.

 The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
 could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
 alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,"
 (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beercan, then
 hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

 The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the
 shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
 ear is going to help me."Trust me," said the doctor.

 So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
 held the can up to his ear and began to count: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

 At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
 resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in
 Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, and WestVirginia.


----------



## bottlenutboy (Aug 24, 2009)

> the funniest part is that it's a true story


 
 roundese parts them thars fightin' words![]

 watch ye back ole man![]


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Aug 24, 2009)

What would give you the impression that I am unhappy with OUR pres?  Just because I make fun of him, his party, his policies, etc?


----------



## bottlenutboy (Aug 24, 2009)

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal. 
 Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. 

 During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note: 



 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Darling, 

 I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove. 

 These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. 

 I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. 

 When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. 

 Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. 

 All my Love,
 Hollingsworth 

 P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Aug 24, 2009)

you are posting in the wrong thread mister Lobey, this one is a funny thread.  So lighten up a little would ya!!


----------



## bottlenutboy (Aug 24, 2009)

here's one for the vermonters

 Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. 

 "Name's Enoch... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

 "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." 

 As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

 "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

 Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

 "Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

 Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

 "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

 Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."


----------



## bottlenutboy (Aug 24, 2009)

> Lobey is your real name Enoch?


[]


----------



## glass man (Aug 24, 2009)

> ORIGINAL:  bottlenutboy
> 
> i thought this one was hilarious
> 
> ...


 [][][]


----------



## glass man (Aug 24, 2009)

> ORIGINAL:  bottlenutboy
> 
> here's one for the vermonters
> 
> ...


 [][][] YOU ON A ROLL AIN'T YOU SPENCER? [][]


----------



## glass man (Aug 24, 2009)

> ORIGINAL:  bottlenutboy
> 
> After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
> enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
> ...


   WORKED IN GA. TOO![][][]


----------



## pyshodoodle (Aug 24, 2009)

Your words say no, but your head says yes![sm=lol.gif][sm=lol.gif][sm=lol.gif]


----------



## pyshodoodle (Aug 24, 2009)

Yo Enoch! You're making me jealous![]


----------



## glass man (Aug 25, 2009)

JUST CURIOUS. HAS THE POPE EVER TOURED ALABAMA OR GEORGIA? I WOULD BE GLAD TO SHOW HIM AROUND THIS AREA. RIGHT ON THE GA. /ALA. LINE ! HE WOULD LOVE IT ROUND HERE![:-] WELL I DO! [SOME TIME[]]  JAYMI


----------



## cc6pack (Aug 25, 2009)

Lobey

 It'da been eaiser to tell him to put his skivvies on backwards[]


----------



## cyberdigger (Aug 25, 2009)

Tim.. you should not mock the afflicted! []


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Aug 25, 2009)

[blockquote]     *How to  Poop at Work*

 We've all  been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
 our cubicles  and suddenly felt something brewing down below.. As much as we try
 to  convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who
 hate  pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at
 work.

**CROP DUSTING**  When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
 smell is not in  your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know
 where it came  from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
 has been  expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
 your  pants.

**FLY BY** The act of scouting out a bathroom before  pooping.. Walk in and
 check for other poopers. If there are others in the  bathroom, leave and come back
 again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT  FLYER. People may become
 suspicious if they catch you constantly going into  the bathroom.

**ESCAPEE** A fart that slips out while taking a pee  or forcing a poop in a
 stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of  embarrassment. If you
 release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it  did not happen. If you
 are a man and are standing next to the farter in the  urinal, pretend you did
 not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is  uncomfortable for all involved.
 Making a joke or laughing makes both parties  feel uneasy.

**JAILBREAK** When forcing a poop, several farts slip  out at a machine gun
 pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a  hangover. If this should
 happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until  everyone has left the bathroom
 to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just  occurred.

**COURTESY FLUSH** The act of flushing the toilet the  instant the poop hits
 the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop  has to stink up the
 bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the  WALK OF  SHAME.
*
***WALK OF  SHAME** Walking  from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
 have just stunk up the  bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
 someone walks in and  busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the
 smell does not  exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

**OUT OF THE  CLOSET POOPER** A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone
 proud of it.  You will often see an Out Of The  Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
 with a newspaper or magazine under  their arm. Always look around the office for
 the Out Of The Closet Pooper  before entering the bathroom.

**THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK  (P.F.N)** A group of co-workers who band
 together to ensure emergency  pooping goes off without incident. This group can help
 you to monitor the  whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify
 SAFE  HAVENS.
*
***SAFE  HAVENS** A seldom  used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
 least expect visitors.  Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
 sex. This will reduce the  odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
*
***TURD  BURGLAR** Someone who  does not realize that you a re in the stall and
 tries to force the door open.  This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
 moments that can occur when  taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in
 the stall until the Turd  Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
 uncomfortable eye  contact.

**CAMO-COUGH** A phony cough that alerts all new entrants  into the bathroom
 that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a  WATERMELON, or to alert
 potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in  conjunction with a
 SHIRLEY  TEMPLE.

**SHIRLEY TEMPLE** A subtle toe-tapping that is used  to alert potential Turd
 Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will  remove all doubt that the
 stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE,  leave the bathroom
 immediately so the pooper can poop in  peace.

**WATERMELON** A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting  the toilet
 water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
 create a  diversion. See CAMO-COUGH..

**HAVANA-OMELET** A case of diarrhea  that creates a series of loud splashes in
 the toilet water. Often accompanied  by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH
 with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

**AUNT  BETTY** A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could
 spend  extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.  An
 AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you  should
 always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as  well as
 the other bathroom attendees

*
**SOME  VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF**:*

*The  King Poop* = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It  doesn't  come until  you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

*Bali  Belly Poop* = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

*Cement Block* =  You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.   *Cork  Poop* (Also Known  as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How  do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's  house.
*
**The Bungee  Poop* = The kind  of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the  water.

*The Crippler* = The kind of poop where you have to sit on  the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

*The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* = The  kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic  jam.

*The Party Pooper* = The giant poop you take at a party. And  when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to  rise.



 NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE

 QUIT  LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL  PROCESS[/align][/align][/align][/align][/blockquote][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align]


----------



## RedGinger (Aug 25, 2009)

I would say Joe is an "Aunt Betty".  It's because he has a whole library in there.  Sorry, Joe. It's just funny[]


----------



## cyberdigger (Aug 25, 2009)

Ahh don't let Lobey scare you off.. he's the resident antagonist, he really can't help himself, but he'll be there to back you up IF necessary... not completely twisted and evil.. keeping us wusses on our toes!


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Aug 25, 2009)

Some people are better left ignored You see, arguing with some folks is like wrestling a pig in the mud.......sooner or later you realize the pig likes it!!!


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Aug 25, 2009)

A man and a woman were on their way to their wedding, when they were in a wreck and died.  At the pearly gates, St. Peter looked up and said: "I'm sorry, we must have pulled you up 3 months early.  Is there anything we can do to make it up to you?"  The man and woman told him they were on their way to be married, and asked, would it be possible to get married in Heaven?  St. Peter said it would take some work, but he would call them when they are ready.  3 months later St. Peter tells them everything was ready for their wedding.  And it was the most perfect wedding anyone had ever dreamed of, it was, well, Heaven.  Things were great for about 1 year, then the husband looked at his wife and told her he was not happy.  They fight alot, she nags too much.  And she tells him she isn't happy either.  He is too messy, and doesn't listen to her.  So they go and find St. Peter.  They tell him that they were real appreciative for all the work that went into the wedding, but things aren't working out, and they want a divorce.  St. Peter throws his hands in the air and says: "IT TOOK US 3 MONTHS TO FIND A PREACHER UP HERE, AND NOW YOU WANT US TO FIND A LAWYER!!!!!!!!!!"


----------



## capsoda (Aug 25, 2009)

Allllrighty then...Ona lighter note....

*  When youâ€™re from the country you look at things a little differently.....
    A farmer from Arkansas got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm 
**  and knocked at the door.  * *  A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
   â€Is you Dad home?â€ the rancher asked.
* *  â€œNo sir, he isnâ€™t,â€ the boy replied.  â€œHe went into town.â€
* *  â€œWell,â€ said the rancher, â€œIs your Mother here?â€
    â€œNo sir, sheâ€™s not here either.  She went into town with Dad.â€
    â€œHow about your brother, Howard?  Is he here?â€
     â€œNo sir, he went with Mom and Dad.â€
     The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the 
**   other and mumbling to himself. 
     â€œIs there anything I can do for you?â€ the boy asked politely.  * *   â€œI know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one.  Or maybe I    
**     could take a message for Dad.â€ 
**   â€Well,â€ said the rancher uncomfortably, â€œI really wanted to talk to your   
**     Dad.  Itâ€™s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie,  
**     pregnant.â€

      The boy considered for a moment.  * *  â€œYou would have to talk to Pa about that,â€ he finally conceded.  * *  â€œIf it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for            the og, but I really donâ€™t know how much he gets for Howard.â€*


----------



## RED Matthews (Aug 26, 2009)

All I can say is WOW!!


----------



## capsoda (Sep 2, 2009)

A Tourist walked into  a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at 
 the exotic  merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a 
 rat.  It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must  
 have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the  bronze rat?" 

 "Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100  for the story," said the 
 wise old Chinaman. The tourist quickly pulled out  twelve dollars. "I'll just take 
 the rat, you can keep the story." 

 As  he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a  few 
 real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun  following him down 
 the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began  walking faster. 

 A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to  his horror the herd of rats 
 behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began  squealing. 

 Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay.  Again, after a couple 
 blocks, he looked around only to discover that the  rats now numbered in the 
 MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him  faster and faster. 

 Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw  the bronze rat as far as he could 
 into the Bay. 

 Amazingly, the  millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and 
 were all  drowned. 

 The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.  

 "Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?" 

 "No  sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze politician."


----------



## ktbi (Sep 2, 2009)

Twenty Reasons why chocolate is better than sex

 1. You can GET chocolate.
 2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
 3. Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft.
 4. You can safely have chocolate while driving.
 5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want.
 6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
 7. If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
 8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
 9. The word 'committment' doesn't scare off chocolate.
 10. You can have chocolate on your desk during working hours
     without upsetting your co-workers.
 11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting slapped.
 12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
 13. With chocolate there is no need to fake it.
 14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
 15. You can have chocolate any time of the month.
 16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
 17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate you can handle.
 18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
 19. When you have chocolate it doesn't keep the neighbors awake.
 20. With chocolate - size doesn't matter.


----------



## RedGinger (Sep 2, 2009)

> ORIGINAL: ktbi
> 
> 
> 20. With chocolate - size doesn't matter.


 
 Oh yes it does!  The bigger the better!  LOL


----------



## justadddirt (Sep 3, 2009)

When I was down to Shupps Grove I ran into Sick Rick ( RICKJJ59W).
 While we were standing there talking, a dog come walking up & sits down
 in front of us & starts licking his privates. Rick looks down at the dog & says, BOY I WISH I COULD DO THAT.
 I said to Rick:  you better make friends first.


----------



## glass man (Sep 3, 2009)

STEVE: YOU ARE ON A ROLL BUDDY![8D] JAMIE


----------



## pyshodoodle (Sep 4, 2009)

Teachers & Cops 


 These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers 
 in the New York City public school system. All teachers were 
 reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!) 

 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has 
 started to dig. 

 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 

 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 

 4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 

 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to 
 achieve them. 

 6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to 
 hold it all together. 

 7. This child has been working with glue too much. 

 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 

 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't 
 coming. 

 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered 
 twice a week. 

 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat 
 out 1,000,000 others. 

 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead. 


 These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. 

 The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the 
 country: 

 16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just 
 went through.' 

 15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll 
 stretch after you wear them a while.' 

 14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth 
 certificate a worthless document.' 

 13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.' 

 12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the 
 speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.' 

 11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can 
 write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?' 

 10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think 
 it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?' 

 9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that 
 again or I'll give you another ticket.. ' 

 8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk 
 or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?' 

 7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go 
 to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey 
 poop.' 

 6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster 
 oven.' 

 5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.' 

 4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?' 

 3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're 
 allowed to write as many tickets as we can.' 

 2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of 
 yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.' 

 AND THE WINNER IS...! . 

 1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we 
 don't.. Sign here.'


----------



## cc6pack (Sep 7, 2009)

Optical Illusions 







 If you stare at the swirls they appear to move, they are static pics, cover half of one of the swirls and it will stop


----------



## glass man (Sep 7, 2009)

WOW![]


----------



## cc6pack (Sep 15, 2009)

*A Story With A Moral*

 A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. 

 The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved. 

 Then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left. "Ernie, do you have a story to share?" 

 "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy with her bare hands." 

 "Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?" 

 "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."


----------



## capsoda (Sep 15, 2009)

> I like that cc,everyone has an aunt Karen dont we!! Did you hear about the Polish coyote?He got caught in a trap chewed off three legs and he was still caught!!


 I thought that was a blonde colored fox????? Chicken!!! [sm=lol.gif][sm=lol.gif][sm=lol.gif]


----------



## glass man (Sep 15, 2009)

> ORIGINAL:  cc6pack
> 
> Â
> Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  *A Story With A Moral*
> ...


     DENNIS:NINA AND I FELL OUT OVER THIS ONE!!![][][]


----------



## ktbi (Sep 16, 2009)

Here's a video I've liked for close to 15 years.  This is Bob Nelson on  the old Rodney Dangerfield show doing a football routine that is hilarious....enjoy...Ron

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BerJdS2VJhA


----------



## glass man (Sep 17, 2009)

WOW! I HAD FORGOTTEN BOUT HIM! THAT IS ONE OF THE FUNNIEST STANDUP [OR EVEN SIT DOWN] ACTS I HAVE EVER SEEN! JAMIE


----------



## capsoda (Sep 20, 2009)

*How Bad Is It???*
                           The economy is so bad that I got a   pre-declined credit card in the mail.

    It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter   asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

    The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

    The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked   "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or   them.

    The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than   GM.

    The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

    The economy is so bad parents in Beverly     Hills fired their nannies and learned their   children's names..

    The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

    The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

    The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

    The economy  is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.

    The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

    And  finally...       Congress says they are looking into   this Bernard Madoff scandal.       Oh Great!  The guy who made   $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5   Trillion disappear!       
    =


----------



## Wilkie (Oct 2, 2009)

Here is a little twist on the redneck jokes.  The term redneck can be interchanged with "country boy" because that is what I am but I wouldn't be considered a redneck.  I grew up in a tiny county town in the mountains and these values are my values too.

 You might be a redneck if:  It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'


 You might be a redneck if:  You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

 You might be a redneck if:  You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'

 You might be a redneck if:  You bow your head when someone prays..

 You might be a redneck if:  You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem...

 You might be a redneck if:  You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.

 You might be a redneck if:  You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.

 You might be a redneck if:  You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

 You might be a redneck if:  You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same..

 You might be a redneck if:  You'd give your last dollar to a friend.


----------



## glass man (Oct 3, 2009)

TIM: I DON'T SEE THE HUMOR IN THOSE. WAS A LITTLE FUNNY WHEN IN THE EARLY 60S WHEN T.V. WASN'T ON 24/7 AND ABOUT 1 1M OR SO THE TV WOULD SIGN OFF AND THE NATIONAL ANTHEM WAS PLAYED TO END IT ALL WITH AND KIN PEOPLE WOULD STAND IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH THEY HANDS ON THEIR HEART. TOUCHING BUT FUNNY CAUSE THEY WERE DRUNK AND WOULD TRY TO SING ALONG! JAMIE


----------



## Wilkie (Oct 4, 2009)

> ORIGINAL:  glass man
> 
> TIM: I DON'T SEE THE HUMOR IN THOSE. WAS A LITTLE FUNNY WHEN IN THE EARLY 60S WHEN T.V. WASN'T ON 24/7 AND ABOUT 1 1M OR SO THE TV WOULD SIGN OFF AND THE NATIONAL ANTHEM WAS PLAYED TO END IT ALL WITH AND KIN PEOPLE WOULD STAND IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH THEY HANDS ON THEIR HEART. TOUCHING BUT FUNNY CAUSE THEY WERE DRUNK AND WOULD TRY TO SING ALONG! JAMIE


 The ones I just posted weren't intended to be funny, I posted it to make a point, all of those things are values that seem to be a rarity these days but can still be found in many of the small towns around these United States.  I know there are many on this forum that don't hold these values but I also know there are many on here that do.  

 The vision your comment put in my head is a good one.  I remember as a kid, during the summer time when I'd be visiting my dad, I would be allowed to stay up late with him, I remember fondly the national anthem coming on and the American flag waving.


----------



## jennydick (Oct 6, 2009)

I love your jokes very much. I laugh a lot while reading these. Thanks for sharing with us.


----------



## pyshodoodle (Oct 6, 2009)

*
 PRICELESS WORDS*

 A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. 

 He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. 

 He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. 

 He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!" 

 Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. 

 His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?" 

 His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. 

 Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!" 

 His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!" 

 Moral : Self-induced hangover - $400.00
 Broken crockery - $800.00
 Breakfast - $10.00
 Saying the Right Thing While Drunk â€“ "PRICELESS"


----------



## FloridaRecycled (Oct 8, 2009)

JOKE OF THE DAY[/align] [/align]A very tired nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great...Some asshole's got my pen![/align] [/align] [/align] [/align]I couldn't resist - Have a great weekend![/align]


----------



## macwilson (Oct 10, 2009)

I love your jokes. I laugh lot while reading these. Thanks for sharing with us.


----------



## Kilroy (Oct 10, 2009)

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad
Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This
time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf" say Little Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumps up and ran away.

About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf yet
again. This time crouched down behind a raod sign.

"My what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf" taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you leave me the hell alone! I'm trying to take a crap!"


----------



## pyshodoodle (Oct 22, 2009)

text message I received from my daughter;

 I'm sure glad they found that kid that was supposed to be in the balloon. For a minute I thought Michael Jackson had ordered take-out from heaven.


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Oct 22, 2009)

[font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"][font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"][font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"]*If you ever feel a little bit **DUMB **, just dig this up and read it again; your confidence will be restored! *
 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  
[font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"]
	

	
	
		
		

		
			





[/font]*
 (On  September 17,  1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone  was selected as Miss  America 1995.) *
 Question:  If you could live forever, would you and why?   
 Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we  should not live forever, because if we were supposed  to live  forever, then we would live forever, but we  cannot live forever, which is why I would not live  forever,' 
 -- _Miss  Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA  contest _.   
 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  

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[/font][font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"]
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




[/font]*
 'Whenever  I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over  the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be  skinny like that, but not with all those flies and  death and stuff.' 
 --Mariah Carey   
 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, *

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[/font][font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"]
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




[/font]*
 'Smoking  kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important  part of your life,' 
 -- Brooke  Shields, during an interview to  become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign   .   
 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, *

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[/font][font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"]
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




[/font]*
 'I've  never had major knee surgery on any other part of my  body,' 
 -- Winston  Bennett, University of Kentucky  basketball forward .   
 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, *
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[/font]*
 'Outside  of the killings, Washington has one  of the lowest crime rates in the country,' 
 --Mayor Marion Barry,   Washington ,   DC *[font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"][/font][/font][/font][/font][/align]  [font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"][font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"][font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"]*,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, * 

[font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"]
[/font][font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"]
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




[/font]*
 'That  lowdown scoundrel deserves  to be kicked to death by a  jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,' 
 --A congressional  candidate in Texas  
 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, * 

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[/font][font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"]
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




[/font]*
 'Half  this game is ninety  percent mental.' 
 --Philadelphia  Phillies manager, Danny Ozark   

 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, * 
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[/font]*
 'I  love California . I  practically grew up in  Phoenix .' 
 -- Dan  Quayle   
 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, *
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[/font]*
 'We've  got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do  we need ?'    
 --Lee  Iacocca   
 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, * 

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[/font][font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"]
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




[/font]*
 'The  word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius  is a guy like Norman Einstein.' 

 --Joe Theisman, NFL   football quarterback & sports analyst.   
 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, * 

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[/font]*
 'We  don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude  certain types of people.' 
 -- Colonel  Gerald Wellman,  ROTC Instructor .   
 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, *


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[/font]*

 'Your  food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992  because we received notice that you passed away. May  God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in  your circumstances.' *_
 --Department  of Social Services, Greenville , South  Carolina _
 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 

 'Traditionally,  most of Australia 's  imports come from overseas..' _
 --Keppel Enderbery   _
 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  


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[/font]*
 'If  somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in  at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their  heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when  they wake up dead, there'll be a record.' 
 --Mark S. Fowler, FCC  Chairman   
 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, * 


 Feeling  smarter yet? [/font][/font][/font]


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Oct 22, 2009)

*A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:* 


*You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! 
*

*So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: 
*

*Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs* 
*
**
 She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:* 

*
 Floor 2 - These  men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 
**
**
 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'  
*
*
 So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: 
**
**
 Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.* 

*
 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. 
*

*She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:* 
*
*
*
 Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 
*

*
 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'* 


*
 Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: 
*

*
 Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.* 


*
 She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: 
*
*
 Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that  women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.*[/align]     [blockquote]   [blockquote] [blockquote]   


*PLEASE NOTE:* 

*To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. *



*The first floor has wives that love sex.* 



*The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.* 




*The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.*[/align][/align]       
 [/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/blockquote][/blockquote][/align][/align][/blockquote][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align]


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## capsoda (Oct 23, 2009)

*Colonoscopy* 
  All the organs of the body were having a meeting, 
  trying to decide who was the one in charge. 

  "I should be in charge," said the brain , 
  "Because I run all the body's systems, 
  so without me nothing woul d happen." 

  "I should be in charge," said the blood , 
  "Because I circulate oxygen all over 
  so without me you'd all waste away.."    "I should be in charge," said thestomach," 
  Because I process food and give 
  all of you energy." 

  "I should be in charge," said the legs , 
  "because I carry the body wherever 
  it needs to go."   
  "I should be in charge," said the eyes, 
  "Because I allow the body to see 
  where it goes." 

  "I should be in charge," said the! rectum 
  "Because I'm responsible for 
  waste removal." 

  All the other body parts laughed at the rectum 
  And insulted him, so in a huff, 
  he shut down tight. 

  Within a few days, 
  the brain had a terrible headache, 
  the stomach was bloated, 
  the legs got wobbly, 
  the eyes got watery, 
  and the blood Was toxic. 

  They all decided that the 
  rectum should be the boss. 

  The Moral of the story? 
  Th e asshole is usually in charge !!


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## GeorgiaVol (Oct 23, 2009)

aint that the truth[][][][][][][][]


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## capsoda (Oct 23, 2009)

*John was in the fertilized egg business.  He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.  This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.  Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.  Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

  John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!  When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.  To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

  John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No-Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pullet-surprise as well.  Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.* *Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.* *The Moral.....Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible......*


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## cc6pack (Oct 27, 2009)

*                                The Worlds Shortest Books*


 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY 

 by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. 
 Illustrated by Michael Moore 

 ___________________________________ 


 MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & 
 HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA 

 by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton 

 ___________________________________ 

 MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE 

 by Osama Bin Laden 
 ___________________________________ 

 THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD 

 by Bill Gates 

 ____________________________________ 

 THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY 

 by Dennis Rodman 
 _________________________________ 

 THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE 

 by Al Gore & John Kerry 

 _____________________________________ 

 AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC 

 ___________________________________ 

 A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 

 by Dr. J. Kevorkian 

 __________________________________ 

 ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE 

 by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell 

 ____________________________________ 

 GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 

 by Mike Tyson 

 __________________________________ 

 THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY 

 _______________________________________ 

 MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS 

 by O. J. Simpson 
 _________________________________________ 

 HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES 

 by Ted Kennedy 
 ___________________________________ 

 MY BOOK OF MORALS 

 by Bill Clinton with introduction 

 by the Rev. Jesse Jackson 

 ___________________________________ 

 COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY! 

 By Nancy Pelosi

 ___________________________________ 

 MONOGAMY 101

 by David Letterman with forward by Bill Clinton


----------



## Kilroy (Oct 28, 2009)

Did anyone hear about the fire at the whorehouse?
 Some come runnin' and others run comin'.

 What did the sign say on the whorehouse door.
 Closed..beat it.


----------



## Stardust (Oct 29, 2009)

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
 last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. 

 Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
 latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed
 with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain
 rational. 

 In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the
 bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. 

 A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
 He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to
 get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a
 tangled pile at his feet. 

 As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
 sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and
 who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck
 is going on here?' 

 The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the sh*t out
 of a ghost.' 

 HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

 Hope you all have a fun one! star*


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## Stardust (Oct 29, 2009)

Youâ€™ll Love Doctor Woo 

 Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? 
 A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap. 

 Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
 A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

 Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
 A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up! 

 Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
 A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc. 

 Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
 A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good! 

 Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
 A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you? 

 Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
 A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach. 

 Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 
 A: You crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around! 

 Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 
 A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales. 

 Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 
 A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! 

 Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. 
 AND..... 
 For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies: 

 1. The Japanese eat very little fat 
 And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat 
 And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine 
 And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

 4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine 
 And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats 
 And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 
 CONCLUSION..... 

 Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


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## glass man (Oct 29, 2009)

[][][] FAR OUT!


----------



## Stardust (Oct 29, 2009)

Thanks Steve,
 Let's just say I leave them laughing wherever I go []

 ~GOTTA  LOVE LITTLE BOYS ~

 Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a
 box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout  counter. 

 The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how
 old are you?' 

 'Eight', the boy  replied. 

 The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used
 for?' 

 The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for
 me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's
 four. 

 We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim,
 play tennis and ride a bike.  Right now, he can't do none of those'.
 -- 
 ~ - Anne Frank - "Whoever is happy will make others happy too."~
 star*


----------



## FloridaRecycled (Oct 30, 2009)

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital.

 She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

 The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
 number?"

 The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said "Noreen, Room 302."

 The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her
 nurse." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Noreen is doing very
 well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal,
 and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on
 Tuesday."

 The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God
 bless you for the good news."

 The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Noreen your daughter?"

 The grandmother said, "No, I'm Noreen in 302. No one tells me shit."[/align]
  [/align]


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## Stardust (Oct 30, 2009)

Me too!!! Good One Tinna [] [] []


----------



## capsoda (Oct 31, 2009)

This is a dumb blonde joke. Just thought I say that up front.[8|]


 REPLACEMENT WINDOWS... 
 Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,.............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

 There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!


----------



## capsoda (Oct 31, 2009)

*A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings* *are the only animals that stutter,' she says.**
**A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'**
**The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,* *asked the girl to describe the incident.**
**'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the* *Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he**
**jumped over the fence into our yard!'**
**'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.**
**'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went* *'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate*[/b]  *her!'**
**The teacher had to leave the room.*


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## capsoda (Nov 1, 2009)

[align=center][align=left]I love this one!!!!! It reminds me of Rick. (RICKJJ5(W)
 [/align]
 [/align][align=center]  [/align]


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## Stardust (Nov 1, 2009)

Albert Einstein or Marilyn Monroe?[/align]http://www.jimspages.com/AEorMM.htm[/align] [/align] this is cool! [/align] [/align]


----------



## GeorgiaVol (Nov 1, 2009)

2009 The Darwin Awards[/align]   Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.  
 Here is the glorious winner:

*1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.* 
 And now, the honorable mentions:

 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.. Understandably, he shot her.

 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole e! vent was caught on videotape.

 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded ! cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


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## glass man (Nov 2, 2009)

> ORIGINAL:  Stardust
> 
> Albert Einstein or Marilyn Monroe?[/align]http://www.jimspages.com/AEorMM.htm[/align]Â [/align]Â this is cool! [/align]Â [/align]


 
   I GOT NINA TO LOOK AT THIS FROM THE DISTANCE AND DID NOT TELL HER WHY. RIGHT OFF SHE SAID IT WAS MARILYN AND BLEW HER MIND WHEN I SAIS NOW WALK CLOSER AND TELL ME WHO IT LOOKS LIKE! THE REACTION ON HER FACE WAS GREAT![]

 ONCE THE ACTRESS SHELLEY WINTERS AND MARILYN LIVED TOGETHER. THEY ONCE DISCUSSED DIFFERENT MEN THEY WOULD LIKE TO SLEEP WITH. SHELLEY SAID THAT HER ROOM MATE SAID SHE WOULD REALLY LOVE TO SLEEP WITH ALBERT EINSTEIN ,BECAUSE HE WAS SO INTELLIGENT AND FACINATED HER.

 NOT LONG AFTER THAT A SIGNED PICTURE TO MARILYN FROM ALBERT WAS SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM. SHELLEY DIDN'T ASK ,BUT....?[]

 THIS ILLUSION MAKES THE STORY KINDA IRONIC DON'T IT? []   JAMIE


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## capsoda (Nov 2, 2009)

They used to do that to Doris Day. Put a shear hanky over the camera to make her look better.[8|] Same principle I guess.Just lean back in you seat and squint your eyes and it will do the same thing. Freaky deaky dude. I guess if you are in the bright sun with out sun glasses you will have to be careful what you say to or think about that good looking blonde.....[&:] or maybe dude......[sm=rolleyes.gif][sm=lol.gif]


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## Stardust (Nov 2, 2009)

> THIS ILLUSION MAKES THE STORY KINDA IRONIC DON'T IT? [] JAMIE


 

 It sure does jamie...


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## Stardust (Nov 2, 2009)

http://www.toxel.com/inspiration/2009/10/04/camouflage-art-by-liu-bolin/[/align] [/align] [/align]Camouflage Art by Liu Bolin [/align]


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## Stardust (Nov 2, 2009)

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each day.
 The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee". 
 The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." 
 Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." 
 Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me." 
 So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: 
 "HEBREWS"


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## Stardust (Nov 2, 2009)

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. 

They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"


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## Stardust (Nov 14, 2009)

[color=#000066 size=4][font="comic sans ms,sans-serif"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZkdcYlOn5M[/font][/color][/align]burger king [] [] [][/align]


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## glass man (Nov 14, 2009)

[][][]


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## Stardust (Nov 18, 2009)

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
 While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. 

 Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
 After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
 One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
 The woman shakes her head, "no.."
 Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
 The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head, "no."
 The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,
 yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
 The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
 As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
 His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it afore!"
 If you don't tell this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world! 

 [] star~[]


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## Penn Digger (Nov 21, 2009)

I have not read this thread/topic before.  Maybe this joke is old and has been on here long ago, but I recently received it and like it.

 Man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lotto?"

 Wife says, "I'd take half and leave your sorry ass."

 Man says, "Excellent,  I won $12, here's $6, get the f*** out!"


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## glass man (Nov 21, 2009)

DON'T BUY MILLER BEER ! THEY PUT IT IN CAMOUFLGED CANS NOW AND WHEN YOU GET IT HOME YOU CAN'T FIND IT AGAIN![]


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## Stardust (Nov 23, 2009)

Keeper~ 

 Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress; lawn mower in his hand, and dish-towel in hers. It was the time for fixing things.. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.

 It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful.. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.

 But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more. Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away....never to return. So... While we have it.... Its best we love it... And care for it.... And fix it when it's broken...... And heal it when it's sick.

 This is true... For marriage.... And old cars.... And children with bad report cards...... Dogs and cats with bad hips.... And aging parents..... And grandparents, aunts and uncles and friends.. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

 Some things we keep. Like a best friend who moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special.... And so, we keep them close in heart and mind and spirit.
 I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper', so I've I wanted to share it with people I think of here the same way here....

 Yes, you are all keepers! [] [8D] [&:] [] [] [:'(] [] [:-] [&o] [8|] [X(] [>:] [] []

 Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there..


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## GeorgiaVol (Dec 7, 2009)

[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*FALL Classes for Women *[/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*at *[/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*

 REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED 
 By Friday, October 9, *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*2009 *[/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*

 NOTE: DUE TO THEIR COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL, CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM *. *


 Class 1 *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat, *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs, beginning at 7:00 PM. *[/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*Class 2 *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? 
 Round Table Discussion. *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00PM for 2 hours. *[/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*Class 3 *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? -- Group Debate. *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 AM for 2 hours. *[/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*Class 4 *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. *[/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*Class 5 *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM *[/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*Class 6 *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program--Help Line Support *[/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*and Support Groups. *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM *[/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*Class 7 *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? 
 Open Forum *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*. 
 Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. *[/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*Class 8 *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 Health Watch -- They Make Medicine for PMS - *[/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*USE IT! *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. *[/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*Class 9 *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 I Was Wrong and He Was Right--Real Life Testimonials! *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. *[/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*Class 10 *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. 
 Driving Simulations. *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. *[/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*Class 11 *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*. 
 Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined *[/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*Class 12 *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 How to Shop by Yourself. *[/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*
 Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. *[/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font]
 [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]  [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]*Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued *[/font]*to the survivors. *[font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"]*
*[/font]


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## ancientdigger69 (Dec 7, 2009)

NEW JERSEY LOVE STORY:

  A young blond woman in Wildwood, New Jersey was so depressed that she
  decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Atlantic Ocean.
  She went down to Morey's Pier and was about to leap into the frigid
  water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on th e edge of the pier,
  crying.

  He took pity on her and said , 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
  off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
  I will take good care of you and bring you food every day.

  Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll
  keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'

  The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?
  Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.

  That night, in the darkness, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her
  in a life boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and
  some fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

  Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
  the Captain.

  "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

  "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get
  fool and a trip to Hawaii and in return, he's screwing me."

  "He certainly is", the Captain said.

  "This is the Cape May Ferry! "


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## capsoda (Dec 9, 2009)

Weather Service


 It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South   Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.                                                                                                                                       
  Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.                                                                                                                       

 But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"                                                                                                                   

  It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded.                                              

 So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.                                                

 A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"                              

 Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."                                                         

 The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.                                             

 Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"                                                                                                                                                   
 â€œAbsolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."                           

 How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.                                                                                                                
 The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."                                                                              
  Remember this story whenever you get advice from a government official!


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## ancientdigger69 (Dec 9, 2009)

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, Tylenol is the trade name for Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin,Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer... it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


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## Stardust (Dec 15, 2009)

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
 One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
 The letter read:
 Dear God,
 I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
 Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
 Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope... Can you please help me?

 Sincerely, Edna
 The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
 By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. 

 The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
 Christmas came and went. 
  A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. 
  All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
 It read:

 Dear God,

 How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? 
  Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

 By the way, there was $4 missing. 
  I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

 Sincerely, Edna


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## epackage (Dec 15, 2009)

It's near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. 
 Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." 
 Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I wanna get outta here. I'm smart and I'll answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" 
 Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." 
 Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. ... See More
 Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" 
 Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." 
 Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." 
 Johnny is even madder than before. 
 Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" 
 Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." 
 Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." 
 Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions first. When the teacher turns her back, Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" 
 The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" 
 Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?


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## capsoda (Dec 18, 2009)

All us old farts know this and all you younguns will!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=7lSliucgygc


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## capsoda (Dec 18, 2009)

*Subject:* IDIOT SIGHTINGS            

*You can't make this stuff up! 

    Be Careful Out There:

    IDIOT  SIGHTINGS 

    We had to have the garage door repaired.   The Sears repairman told    us that  one of our problems was that we did not have a    'large' enough motor on the opener.  I  thought for a minute,   and said that we had the  largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2    horsepower.  He shook his head and said,  "Lady, you   need a 1/4 horsepower."  I  responded that 1/2 was larger than   1/4.  He  said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than   two..."          

    We haven't  used Sears repair since.  


    IDIOT  SIGHTING: 

    My daughter and I went through the  McDonald's take-out window and    I gave the  clerk a $5 bill.  Our total was $4.25, so I    also handed her a quarter.  She said, "You  gave me too   much money."  I said, "Yes I   know, but this way   you can just give me a  dollar bill back."  She sighed and   went to  get the manager who asked me to repeat my  request.    I did so, and he handed me back  the quarter, and said "We're   sorry but we cannot  do that kind of thing."  The clerk then    proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in  change.   
      &nbs p;  


    IDIOT  SIGHTING: 
    I live in a semi-rural area.  We  recently had a new neighbor call   the local  township administrative office to request the  removal   of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.   The reason: "Too many   deer are being hit  by cars out here!  I don't think this is a    good place for them to be crossing anymore."  

    From Kingman , KS .  


    IDIOT   SIGHTING IN FOOD  SERVICE:
My daughter went to a  local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.    She  asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal    lettuce.'  He said he was sorry, but they  only had iceberg   lettuce. 

    From Kansas  City  
** 
* *IDIOT  SIGHTING: 
**I  was at the airport, checking in at the   gate when  an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put    anything in your baggage without your  knowledge?"  To   which I replied, "If it was  without my knowledge, how would I   know?"   He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's    why we ask."

    Happened in Birmingham ,  Ala.    


    IDIOT  SIGHTING: 

    The stop-light on the corner buzzes when  it's safe to cross the street.     I was  crossing with an intellectually challenged  co-worker   of mine.  She asked if I knew  what the buzzer was for.  I   explained that  it signals blind people when the light is red.     Appalled, she responded, "What on earth  are blind   people doing driving?!" 

    She  was a probation officer in Wichita ,  KS ..  


    IDIOT  SIGHTING: 

    I attended a "good-bye" luncheon for an  old and dear   co-worker.  She was leaving  the company due to 'downsizing.' Our   manager  commented cheerfully, "This is fun.  We  should   do this more often."  Not another  word was spoken.  We   all just looked at  each other with that   "deer-in-the-headlights"  stare.

    This was a lunch at Texas  Instruments.     


    IDIOT  SIGHTING:

    I work with an  individual who plugged her power strip back into  itself   and for the sake of her life, couldn't  understand why her system would   not turn on.  

    A deputy with the Dallas County  Sheriff's office, no less.   


    IDIOT  SIGHTING: 

    When my husband  and I arrived at an automobile dealership to  pick   up our car, we were told the keys had been  locked in it. We went to the   service department  and found a mechanic working feverishly to    unlock the driver side door.  As I watched  from the   passenger side, I instinctively tried  the door handle and discovered   that it was  unlocked.  "Hey," I announced to the    technician, "It's open!"  His reply, "I  know.     I already got that side."  

    This was at the Ford dealership in  Canton , MS ......  
* 
*I  love   this one!:
**
    When  I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL, I still  had the   Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was  shipped from Hawaii . I was   parking somewhere (I  can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you    drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and  quickly said   "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San  Francisco Bridge." He nodded his   head and said  "Cool!" 

    STAY ALERT!   

    They  walk among us... 
    and they VOTE... 
    and  they  REPRODUCE...
*


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## capsoda (Dec 21, 2009)

A true friend!!!!!


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## ancientdigger69 (Dec 23, 2009)

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, North Carolina, South Carolina Pennsylvania and Texas boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists: 1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, fishing, country music or Jesus. 5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt. and 6. Their favorite movie is BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.


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## ancientdigger69 (Dec 23, 2009)




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## cyberdigger (Dec 23, 2009)

[]


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## cyberdigger (Dec 23, 2009)

[]


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## cyberdigger (Dec 23, 2009)

..why didn't you just grab the string of lights and repel your way down the facade of that ..lovely house of yours?  [8|] actually, you didn't say you didn't.. bravo!


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## Stardust (Dec 24, 2009)

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/christmas/christmas_mistletoe.htm[/align]  [/align]  [/align] Google[/align] Kissing Under the Mistletoe at Christmas[/align]  [/align] 
 [/align]  [/align]


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## Stardust (Dec 29, 2009)

*The          Perfect Husband*                             Several          men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings          and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.          Everyone else in the room stops to listen. 

 MAN:          "Hello" 

 WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"          

 MAN: "Yes" 

 WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this          beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"          

 MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." 

 WOMAN:          "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models.          I saw one I really liked." 

 MAN: "How much?" 

 WOMAN:          "$90,000" 

 MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the          options." 

 WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I          wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"          

 MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000.          They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if          it's really a pretty good price." 

 WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you          later! I love you so much!" 

 MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."          

 The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring          at him in astonishment, mouths agape. 

 He turns and asks: "Anyone          know who this phone belongs to?"


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## Stardust (Jan 10, 2010)

[]


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## Stardust (Jan 13, 2010)

A Dog's Purpose  (from a 6-year-old).

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound  named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. 
 As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker 's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.
The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, 'I know why.'
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.
He said, 'People are born so that they can Learn how to live a good Life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?' The Six-year-old continued, 'Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.'

So live like a dog: 
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like: 

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. 
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently. 

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY

star~*


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## Stardust (Jan 31, 2010)

To Be 6 Again...
 A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
 looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still lookingin the mirror .
 On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

 Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

 Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

 Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.


 He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

 Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

 'I meant my dress size, you wackado!!!!'

 The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna 
 get it wrong.


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## TreasurDiggrNY (Feb 25, 2010)

*So I'm walking past the Orphanage......
*
 So I'm walking past the orphanage, and the playground out front is under construction. They have this huge wooden fence up and you can't see in. 

 The little ones are happily yelling "13, 13, 13, 13" and I'm like "what the heck are they doing in there"? I get to a spot where I can peek in and something pokes me in the eye and the little ones start yelling "14, 14, 14, 14"

 TDNY


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## Stardust (Feb 25, 2010)

Funny [8D] I needed a good laugh!


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## Stardust (Apr 19, 2010)

A dear friend sent me this today to make me ; ) and it did. Thought I would share it with you.... and hope all of you are either digging,  or taking a few moments from your busy day to may search for a bottle in a shop, listing, or find one offered here.

*100 Year-old Tortoise acts as Mom  to Baby Hippo**
*[/align]*http://www.floristone.com/hippopotamus-tortoise.html*


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## sloughduck (Apr 19, 2010)

Wow that's so corny its hilarious. I have to remember it.


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## diggermeister (Apr 22, 2010)

It Pays to advertise?


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## mr.fred (Apr 22, 2010)

> ORIGINAL:  diggermeister
> 
> It Pays to advertise?


              [sm=lol.gif][sm=lol.gif][sm=lol.gif]


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## RedGinger (Apr 22, 2010)

I guess that guy has to make sure he wears the same shirt to work every day! lol


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## cyberdigger (Apr 22, 2010)

Yeah, but he can change his pants any time.. []


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## ktbi (Jun 10, 2010)

These are called mondegreens and are misunderstood song lyrics..Pulled them off a website and wanted to share....Ron

*All my luggage, I will send to you.
*






Actual lyric:                All my loving, I will send to you.
(Beatles) ​ *Are you going to starve an old friend? 
*





Actual lyric:                Are you going to Scarborough Fair? 
(Simon & Garfunkel) ​ *A weenie wack a weenie wack a weenie  wack. 
*





Actual lyric:                Wee-ooh wim-o-weh. Wee-ooh  wim-o-weh. 
(Tokens "The Lion Sleeps Tonight")​ *Baby come back, you can play Monopoly.
*





Actual lyric:                Baby come back, you can blame it all  on me.
(Player "Baby Come Back") ​ *Baking carrot biscuits. *





Actual lyric:Taking                care of business.
(Bachman-Turner Overdrive "Takin Care Of Business")​ *Tape it to a biscuit. 
*





Actual lyric:                Taking care of business. 
(Bachman-Turner Overdrive "Takin Care Of Business")​ *Bald headed woman.
*





Actual lyric:More                than a woman.
(Bee Gees)​ *Four-legged woman.
*





Actual lyric:More                than a woman.
(Bee Gees) ​ *Big girl, small fry.*





Actual lyric:Big                girls don't cry.
(The Four Seasons)​ *Big ole Jed had a light on. *





Actual lyric:Big                old jet airliner.
(Steve Miller Band)​ *Pick out Jed from the line-up. *





Actual lyric:Big                old jet airliner.
(Steve Miller Band)​ *The bride bless the day, the dogs say  goodnight.
*





Actual lyric:                The bright blessed day, the dark  sacred night.                
​ *Bringing in the sheets.
*





Actual lyric:                Bringing in the sheaves. 
(Hymn)​ *Carryin' beans, now we're sharin' the  same jeans.
*





Actual lyric:                Carribean Queen, now we're sharing  the same                dreams.
(Billy Ocean) ​ *Climb every mountain.
*





Actual lyric:                I'm every woman.
(Whitney Houston) ​ *Come and let me tell you 'bout my bed  spread. 
*





Actual lyric:                People let me tell you 'bout my best  friend.                
(Theme from the TV Show, "Courtship of Eddie's  Father")                ​ *Come shave my heart.*





Actual lyric:Unchain                my heart.
(Ray Charles) ​ *Dirty deeds and the thunder chiefs.*





Actual lyric:Dirty                deeds and they're done dirt cheap.
(ACDC)​ *Dirty deeds done to sheep.*





Actual lyric:Dirty                deeds and they're done dirt cheap.
(ACDC) ​ *Do a little dance, make a little rum,  Italian Ice!                Italian Ice!
*





Actual lyric:Do                a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight, get  down tonight.
                (KC & The Sunshine Band "Do A Little Dance") ​ *Do the lucky lady.*





Actual lyric:Dude                looks like a lady.
                (Aerosmith) ​ *Donuts make my brown eyes blue. *





Actual lyric:Don't                it make my brown eyes blue.
                (Crystal Gale)​ *Every time you go away you take a piece  of meat                with you. *





Actual lyric:Every                time you go away you take a piece of me with you.
(Paul Young)​ *Ghost man so close to me.* 





Actual lyric: 
Don't stand so close to me. 
                (The Police) ​ *Give me the Beach Boys and free my soul.*





Actual lyric:Give                me the beat, boys, and free my soul.
(Dobie Gray "Drift Away")​ *Goin' to the Jack-O-Lantern, gonna get  married.*





Actual lyric:Goin'                to the chapel and we're gonna get married.
(Dixie Cups, "Chapel of Love")​ *Got a lot of lucky peanuts.*





Actual lyric:Got                a lot of love between us.
(Frankie Vallee and the Four Seasons)​ *Good-bye yellow brick road
                There's a dark cloud inside of the house.*





Actual lyric:So                goodbye yellow brick road
                Where the dogs of society howl.
(Elton John)​ *Ham on rye.
*





Actual lyric:                I'm alright.
(Kenny Loggins)​ *Hang on stupid.
*





Actual lyric:                Hang on, Sloopy.
(The McCoys)​ *Happy as a rafter in the market place.
*





Actual lyric:                Happy ever after in the market  place.
(Beatles "Ob la di")​ *Hold me closer, Tony Danza
                Count the head lice on the highway.
*





Actual lyric:                Hold me closer, tiny dancer.
(Elton John "Tiny Dancer")​ *Home, where my love lies waiting, Simon,  weep for                me.
*





Actual lyric:                Home, where my love lies waiting,  silently                for me.
(Simon & Garfunkel "Homeward Bound") ​ *Hope the city voted for you.
*





Actual lyric:                Hopelessly devoted to you.
(Grease soundtrack)​ *How's about a date?
*





Actual lyric:                Eyes without a face.
(Billy Idol "Eyes Without a Face")​ *I can see clearly now the rain has gone.
                I can see all life's fickles in the way
*





Actual lyric:                I can see clearly now the rain has  gone.
                I can see all obstacles in my way. 
(Jimmy Cliff)​ *I can't climb this ceiling any more.
*





Actual lyric:I                can't fight this feeling anymore.
(REO Speedwagon "I can't fight this feeling")​ *I, I, I, I sing in the light, sing in the  light.                *





Actual lyric:Stayin'                Alive, Stayin' alive.
(Bee Gees)​ *I shot the Sheriff, but I didn't shoot  him dead                you see.
*





Actual lyric:I                shot the Sheriff, but I didn't shoot the deputy.
(Eric Clapton)​ *I wanna die!
*





Actual lyric:Oh,                what a night! 
(The Four Seasons, "December 1963 (Oh What a  Night)")​ *I wanna know
                Have you ever seen Loraine?*





Actual lyric:I                wanna know 
                Have you ever seen the rain?
(Creedence Clearwater Revival)​ *I want a new truck.
*





Actual lyric:I                want a new drug.
(Huey Lewis & the News)​ *I was so mad! *





Actual lyric:I'm                a soul man. 
(Blues Brothers)​ *I wonder, wonder, who,
                who rode the moo-cow now?
*





Actual lyric:I                wonder, wonder, who,
                who wrote the book of love?
(The Monotones "Book of Love")​ *I'll give you diamond Sprite!
*





Actual lyric:I'll                give you diamonds bright.
(The Yardbirds "For Your Love")​ *I'll never leave your pizza burning. *





Actual lyric:I'll                never be your beast of burden.
(Rolling Stones)​ *I'm 264 my shirt, 264 my shirt, 264. 
*





Actual lyric:I'm                too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt. 
(Right Said Fred "I'm Too Sexy")​ *I'm a pool hall ace.*





Actual lyric:My                poor heart aches. 
(The Police "Every Step  You Take")​ *I'm just a squirrel*.





Actual lyric:I'm                just a girl.
(No Doubt)​ *I'm not talking 'bout Bolivia. 
*





Actual lyric:I'm                not talking 'bout moving in. 
(John Ford Collie  "Really Love to See You Tonight")​ *I've been haulin' ass so long. *





Actual lyric:I've                been holding out so long.
(Rolling Stones "Miss  You")​ *I've got a new pair of shoes. *





Actual lyric:I've                got a new attitude.
(Patti LaBelle)​ *In-a-gadda-da-vita . . . *





Actual lyric:In                the garden of Eden, honey.
(Iron Butterfly)
*The band, themselves, while  drunk in                1968, botched the lyrics, and decided to keep them this  way.
*​ *I'm the god of Velveeta, honey. *





Actual lyric:In                the garden of Eden, honey.
(Iron Butterfly)​ *Jay, Jay, Jay; Jay you're cool
*





Actual lyric:Chain,                chain, chain, chain of fools.
(Aretha Franklin "Chain  of Fools") ​ *Jim Dandy ate the red stew
*





Actual lyric:Jim                Dandy to the rescue.
(Black Oak Arkansas) ​ *Jose can you see?*





Actual lyric:O,                Say can you see?
(The Star Spangled Banner) ​ *Just brush my teeth before you leave me,  baby.                *





Actual lyric:Just                touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.
(Juice Newton "Angel of the Morning")​ *Just like a one-winged dove.*





Actual lyric:Just                like a white winged dove.
(Stevie Nicks)​ *Knee deep in doughnuts, children at your  feet.
*





Actual lyric:                Lady Madonna, children at  your feet.
(The Beatles)​ *Let Milo open the door.
*





Actual lyric:                Let my love open the door.
(Pete Townsend, The Who)​ *Last night I dreamt of some bagels.
*





Actual lyric:Last                night I dreamt of San Pedro.
​ *Life ain't nothing but a seven dollar  fiddle.
*





Actual lyric:Life                ain't nothing but a funny funny riddle. 
(John Denver)​ *Life in the Vaseline.*





Actual lyric:Life                in the fast lane.
(Eagles)​ *Look into my butterflies.
*





Actual lyric:Look                into my father's eyes.
(Eric Clapton, "My Father's Eyes"​ *Looks like tomatoes
*





Actual lyric:Looks                like we made it.
(Barry Mannilow)​ *Love is a big, fat quivering slug.
*





Actual lyric:Love                is a big, fat river in flood.
(Sting "Love Is Stronger Than Justice")​ *Maerzee dotes and dozee dotes and little  lamsee                divey
                a kiddle ee iveetoo, wouldn't you? *





Actual lyric:Mares                eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy,
                A kid'll eat ivy too, wouldn't you?
(Children's Song) 
*The "misunderstood" lyrics                here are actually correct. The song is gibberish. It is  meant to                teach a child enunciate when learning to sing/speak. 
*​ *Maybe I'll play cards and be as fast as  you.
*





Actual lyric:                Maybe I'll break hearts and be as  fast as                you.
(Dwight Yokum)​ *Michelle, Ma Belle,* 
*Sunday Monkey Play No Piano Song,* 
*No Piano Song.*





Actual lyric:Michelle,                ma belle,
                Sont des mots qui vont tres bien ensemble,
                Tres bien ensemble.
(The Beatles)​ *My woman is Okay-O.
*





Actual lyric:                My woman from Tokyo.
(Deep Purple "Woman From Tokyo")​ *A new religion that'll bring you to your  knees,
                like Velveeta Cheese.*





Actual lyric:A                new religion that'll bring you to your knees,
                Black velvet if you please.
(Allanah Myles "Black Velvet")​ *Oh my darling lemon pie.*





Actual lyric:Oh                my darling, Clementine.
(traditional song)​ *Only the good Tyrone.
*





Actual lyric:Only                the good die young.
(Billy Joel)​ *Pay for my Chrysler.*





Actual lyric:Paperback                writer.
(Beatles)​ *Take the back right turn.*





Actual lyric:Paperback                writer.
(Beatles)​ *Please relieve me - let me go. *





Actual lyric:Please                release me, let me go.
(Englebert Humperdinck)​ *Pretty Woman, won't you lick my leg.*





Actual lyric:Pretty                Woman, won't you look my way.
(Roy Orbison)​ *Red, red wine, steak, lobster meat.*





Actual lyric:Red,                red wine, stay close to me.
(UB-40)​ *Return da Zenda.*





Actual lyric:Return                to sender.
(Elvis Presley)​ *Reverend Bluejeans.*





Actual lyric:Forever                in blue jeans.
(Neil Diamond)​ *'Scuse me while I kiss this guy. *





Actual lyric:'Scuse                me while I kiss the sky.
(Jimi Hendrix)​ *Searching for my lost singer from Mars.*





Actual lyric:Searching                for my last shaker of salt.
(Jimmy Buffett "Margaritaville")​ *Secret Asian man.*





Actual lyric:Secret                agent man.
(Johnny Rivers)​ *She loved Cheez-Its, and America too.
*





Actual lyric:She                loved Jesus, and America too.
(Tom Petty, "Free  Fallin")​ *Since she left me there've been owls  pukin' in                my bed.*





Actual lyric:Since                she put me down I 've been out doin' in my head.
(Beach Boys "Help Me Rhonda")​ *She's got a chicken to ride.
*





Actual lyric:She's                got a ticket to ride.
(Beatles)​ *She's got a tick in her eye.
*





Actual lyric:She's                got a ticket to ride.
(Beatles)​ *She's got electric boobs, a mohair too.
*





Actual lyric:She's                got electric boots, a mohair suit.
(Elton John "Benny and the Jets")​ *Slow walkin' Walter.*





Actual lyric:Smoke                on the water.
(Deep Purple)​ *Snow covered horses.*





Actual lyric:Smoke                on the water.
(Deep Purple)​ *Stand on the rug.
*





Actual lyric:Band                on the run.
(Wings)​ *Stick your head in lotion.
*





Actual lyric:I                second that emotion.
(Smokey Robinson & The Miracles "I Second That  Emotion")​ *Straight arm, straight arm for you.*





Actual lyric:Straight                on, straight on for you.
(Heart) ​ *Sugar fried honey butt.*





Actual lyric:Sugar                Pie, Honey Bunch.
(Four Tops "Can't Help Myself") ​ *Sweet dreams are made of cheese.*





Actual lyric:Sweet                dreams are made of this.
(The Eurythmics)​ *Sweet tell a lie.
*





Actual lyric:Sweet                Caroline.
(Neil Diamond)​ *The ants are my friends, they're blowing  in the                wind.*





Actual lyric:The                answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.
(Bob Dylan)​ *The girl with colitis goes by.*





Actual lyric:The                girl with kaleidoscope eyes.
(Beatles)​ *The heart of rock and roll is in  Cleveland.*





Actual lyric:The                heart of rock and roll is still beating.
(Huey Lewis and the News)​ *Then I saw her face, now I'm gonna leave  her.*





Actual lyric:Then                I saw her face, now I'm a believer.
(The Monkees)​ *There's a bathroom on the right.*





Actual lyric:There's                a bad moon on the rise.
(CCR)​ *Through the night, with the light from a  bulb.                *





Actual lyric:Through                the night, with the light from above.
("God Bless America") ​ *You and me and Leslie.*





Actual lyric:You                and me endlessly.
(The Young Rascals "Groovin")​ *You have lost your gum forever
                dreadful sorry, Clementine. *





Actual lyric:You                are lost and gone forever
                dreadful sorry, Clementine.
(traditional song)​ *You made the rice, I made the gravy.*





Actual lyric:You                may be right, I may be crazy.
(Billy Joel)​ *You picked a fine time to leave me,  Lucille,
                four hundred children and a crop in the field.*





Actual lyric:You                picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille,
                four hungry children and a crop in the field.
(Kenny Rogers "Lucille")​ *Went to a dance, lookin' for a man,
                Saw Barbara Ann so I thought I'd take a chance.
*





Actual lyric:Went                to a dance, lookin' for romance,
                Saw Barbara Ann so I thought I'd take a chance.
(The Beach Boys "Barbara Ann")​ *Wrapped up like a douche.*





Actual lyric:Revved                up like a deuce.
(Manfred Mann​


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## Stardust (Dec 9, 2010)

WHERE'S Matt these days who started this post? Anyone know, as he sure made me laugh a lot.... I was just thinking about him. []

 Anyway, this is a silly little joke if you have a little kid to tell it to.
 Who takes Christmas presents to the police stations? 
 Santa Clues.
 HO HO HO ! []
 Merry Christmas ~


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## Stardust (Jan 27, 2011)

*A **Minneapolis** couple decided to  go to **Florida** to thaw out during  a particularly icy winter.  They planned to stay at the same hotel  where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.*[/align][/align] [/align][/align][/align]*Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to  coordinate their travel; so, the husband flew to Florida **on Thursday** with his wife  flying down the next day.*[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align]*The husband  checked into the hotel and was pleasantly surprised to find a computer  in their room; so, he decided to send his wife an email to let her know  he had arrived.  However, he accidentally mistyped her email address.   Not noticing his error, he sent the email.*[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align]*Meanwhile,  somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's  funeral.  He was a minister who was called home to glory after a heart  attack.*[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align]*The widow decided  to check her email expecting a number of communications from relatives  and friends.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.*[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align]*The widow's son  rushed into the room, found his mother unconscious on the floor, and the  following email displayed on the computer screen...*[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align] [/align][/align][/align]*To: My Loving Wife*[/align][/align][/align]*Subject: I've Arrived*[/align][/align][/align]*Date: October 16, 2009*[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align][/align]*I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here  now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just  arrived and have been checked in.*[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align][/align]*I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival  tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as  uneventful as mine was.*[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align][/align]*P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!*[/align][/align][/align]__[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align]


----------



## Stardust (Jan 29, 2011)

Your Special Angel 
 Two traveling angels  stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. 
 The  family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's  guest room. 
 Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold  basement. 
 As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel  saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. 

 When the younger angel  asked why, the older angel replied, 
 "Things aren't always what they  seem" 
 The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very  poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.. 
 After sharing what  little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where  they could have a good night's rest. 

 When the sun came up the  next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their  only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field. 
 The  younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you  have let this happen? 
 The first man had everything, yet you helped  him, she accused. 
 The second family had little but was willing to  share everything, and you let the cow die.. 
 "Things aren't always  what they seem," the older angel replied. 

 "When we stayed in the  basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole  in the wall. 
 Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and  unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't  find it." 
 "Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel  of death came for his wife I gave him the cow instead. 
 Things  aren't always what they seem." 

 Sometimes that is exactly what  happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have  faith, you just need to trust that every out come is always to your  advantage. You just might not know it until some time later... 
 Oooo 
 Some  people ( ) 
 come into our lives ) / 
 and quickly go.. (_ / 


 oooO  
 ( ) Some people 
  ( become friends 
 _ ) and stay awhile... 


 leaving  beautiful Oooo 
 footprints on our ( ) 
 hearts... ) / 
 ( _/ 


 oooO  
 ( ) and we are 
  ( never 
 _ ) quite the same 
 because we  have 
 made a good 
 friend!! 


 Yesterday is history. 
 Tomorrow  a mystery. 
 Today is a gift. 
 That's why it's called the present!  


 I think this is special...live and savor every 
 moment...  This is not a dress rehearsal! 
 ( ()/ ) 
 ( /  )  TAKE THIS LITTLE ANGEL 
 ( /  ) AND KEEP HER CLOSE TO YOU 
 /   SHE IS YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL 
 /_____ SENT TO WATCH OVER YOU 

 THIS  IS A SPECIAL GUARDIAN ANGEL.... 
 SHE WILL WATCH OVER YOU FOREVER. Never  take away ones hope that may be all they have. 




 [/align]


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## Steve/sewell (Jan 30, 2011)

A elderly man goes to the doctor because he just hasnt been feeling to well lately.The nurse at the window asks him for his medical background and he obliges her.The last items the nurse asks for are a blood,stool,and urine sample to which the man replys:I dont have those today...........To which his wife replies just give her your underwear.[8D]


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## Stardust (Jan 30, 2011)

[][][]Very funny Steve!!! We need laughter.


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## Stardust (Feb 1, 2011)

*1**+**2* *= **3*

 Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin  to imagine how their mind is working....[/align]
  Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried  everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. 
 In  short, everything they could think of to help his math. 

 Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled  him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary  came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his  mother hello.   
  Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books  and papers were  spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His  mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. 

 To  her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room 
  without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as  before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother  tried to understand what made all the difference. 

 Finally,  little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the  table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation,  His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an  'A' in math.   She  could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said,  'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and  shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the  discipline, the structure, the uniforms? [/align] [/align][/align][/align]
  [/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align]WHAT WAS IT?

 Little  Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I  saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling  around.' 
*
Out of the mouths of children, Bless us one and all no matter whom you believe in. Laughter is the best med we will ever find!   Wish it came bottled and kept those who  took just plain happy.   
*[/align]


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## OsiaBoyce (Feb 6, 2011)

What does a 300lb. white woman and a bundle of shingles have in common?



 There's a 90% chance they'll be nailed by a Mexican.


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## peejrey (Feb 6, 2011)

> What does a 300lb. white woman and a bundle of shingles have in common?
> 
> 
> 
> There's a 90% chance they'll be nailed by a Mexican.


 [sm=lol.gif]
 wow


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## epackage (Feb 6, 2011)

> ORIGINAL:  OsiaBoyce
> 
> What does a 300lb. white woman and a bundle of shingles have in common?
> 
> ...


 Well I can finally say we have found common ground Pat, this is extremely funny and I will be stealing it for personal use....Thank You...


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## epackage (Feb 7, 2011)

A guy walks into a supermarket and buys the following items: 
 1 toothbrush 
 1 tube of toothpaste 
 1 roll of toiletpaper 
 1 frozen dinner 
 1 can of pop 
 1 box of cereal 
 The woman behind the counter says, "so you are single huh?"
 The man replies very sarcastically, "why would you guess that, because I am buying 1 of everything?"







 The woman replies, "no, because you are ugly."


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## ktbi (Feb 21, 2011)

This is hilarious.   It's '*The Count Censored*'.  Enjoy ...Ron

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-Wd-Q3F8KM


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## cramer1399 (Jun 16, 2011)

heres a funny story-


 ok,so an old woman  had a husband named John. One day john passed away,and his wife put an ad in the obituarys. in order to save money,she only made it 3 words. "John is Dead." and the clerk said, "sorry, ma'am, but there is a 6 word minimum." so the wife revised the ad to say: "John is Dead,Corvette For Sale".





HAHAHAHAHA GET IT????????????????????????????????????


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## Blackglass (Jun 17, 2011)

There once was a man from Peru
 Who dreamed he was eating his shoe
 He woke with a fright in the middle of the night
 To find that his dream had come true


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## Stardust (Jun 17, 2011)

I got this email I wanted to share. I couldn't stop laughing. [] [] [] I hope you get a good laugh out of it also ~

 Why I Am now Divorced   
	

	
	
		
		

		
			





[blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]Last week was my birthday and I didn't[/blockquote][blockquote]feel very well waking up on that morning.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone[/blockquote][blockquote]' Happy Birthday.'[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]I thought....[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]Well, that's marriage for you,[/blockquote][blockquote]but the kids....  They will remember.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast[/blockquote][blockquote]and didn't say a word.. So when I left for the office,[/blockquote][blockquote]I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said,[/blockquote][blockquote]'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '[/blockquote][blockquote]It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door[/blockquote][blockquote]and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,[/blockquote][blockquote]and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me[/blockquote][blockquote].'[/blockquote][blockquote]I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]Let's go!'[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]We went to lunch.[/blockquote][blockquote]But we didn't go where we normally would go.[/blockquote][blockquote]He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.[/blockquote][blockquote]We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]On the way back to the office,[/blockquote][blockquote]Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...[/blockquote][blockquote]We don't need to go straight back to the office,[/blockquote][blockquote]Do We?'[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]I responded,[/blockquote][blockquote]'I guess not.[/blockquote][blockquote]What do you have in mind?'[/blockquote][blockquote]He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said,[/blockquote][blockquote]If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom[/blockquote][blockquote]for just a moment.I'll be right back.'[/blockquote][blockquote]'Ok.' I nervously replied.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]He went into the bedroom and,[/blockquote][blockquote]after a couple of minutes,[/blockquote][blockquote]he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ....[/blockquote][blockquote]Followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,[/blockquote][blockquote]all singing 'Happy Birthday'.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]And I just sat there....[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]On the couch.... 

 Naked []
 [/blockquote]


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## Steve/sewell (Jun 18, 2011)

I like that Star[][]

 Larry the Cable Guy
 Talking about his moley sister!!


 My sister is covered with moles.  

  She's got moles all over her face, bunch of moles. 

  And we used to call her "Old Moley." But she went down to church and got saved.

  Now we call her "Holy Moley." It ain't funny, to be honest with you.

  But she was feeling bad about her moles, so we figured we'd lift her spirits. 

 Took her up to the flea market to get her something nice. 

  And...   We was up there... 

  She's already feeling bad about her moles, and then the night before, she got this horse 

 and it busted its leg, and I had to shoot it.  

  And now it's got a broken leg and a gunshot wound.  

 I don't know what you're supposed to shoot it for, but...  

  I guess it helps in the healing process or something. I ain't sure.  

  If it ain't better by next week, I'm going to shoot it again, I'll tell you that much. 

 But we's up there at the flea market-- My grandma couldn't make it up there.  

 She got arrested at the bass pro shop.  

  She was eating a corn dog and got the farts in there.

 And they accused her of stealing a duck call and some stink bait at the bass pro shop.  

 Yeah. It's ridiculous.  

  She didn't even have any pockets on that nightgown she was wearing in there.  

 So we's up at the flea market, and my sister is feeling bad about her moles.  

 She's complaining all day long about her moles.  

 "My moles this. My moles that.

 My moles, my moles." So we walk past this feller up there at flea market.  

 Got no legs. 

  All right? Selling boots.  

 That's right. Got no legs, half an arm, you know. One ear.  

  His name was Lucky.  

 So I told my sister, I said, "Listen, Dee-Wayne." I said: "You ought to be ashamed of yourself.  

 You ought to be dog-gone ashamed.  

 Cause here's a feller got no legs, selling boots, "whistling, enjoying himself, "

 and you is complaining about a few moles.  

 You ought to be thankful for everything the Lord give you." And she said, "You know what?  

 You're right.I should be more thankfull!! 

  You know I am startin to feel a lot better

 Sure as a midget playing with a yo-yo she started smiling a little more.  

  As soon as we passed that feller there, with no legs, I heard him say to his buddy, "Good Lord!  

  Did you see the moles on that girl's face right there?" That's right.  

 True story.


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## cc6pack (Jun 21, 2011)

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business. 









 one more






 After a beautiful late afternoon 18 holes of golf in Scottsdale, Arizona, a man decided to have a casual dinner at one of his favorite local restaurants, The Carlsbad Tavern. He asked his waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at an inside table.

 So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
 She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
 The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

 The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and nine inches in your pants'.

 After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

 It read:
 "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Seattle and Lyman Lake, South Carolina, and a winter home here in Arizona. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back."


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## Dugout (Jun 24, 2011)

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
 The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
 The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
 The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 
 "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
 "Thanks." the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
 "Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
 The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."


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