# Any Good Bottle Jokes



## Dugbottles (Feb 12, 2013)

Just was wondering if anyone has any good bottle digging jokes to share  []


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## epackage (Feb 12, 2013)

A hooker, priest and a penguin get a hotel room for the night and ***** *****'s his **** while the penguin ****'s the ********** *****. The priest screams out ********* ****** ****!!! Olive oil is everywhere and the hooker starts to ***** her **** when in walks the manager who yells out, "YOU CALL THAT A PROBE!?!?!?  <<<<< Insert rimshot here....Ha Cha Cha!!


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## epackage (Feb 12, 2013)

Why are all the *'s in my post?


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## TJSJHART (Feb 13, 2013)

well i put my own words and it was side spliting...thanks


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## epackage (Feb 13, 2013)

> ORIGINAL:  TJSJHART
> 
> well i put my own words and it was side spliting...thanks


 []


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## coldwater diver (Feb 13, 2013)

"Hey check out my six pack"        Sorry guys that all I could think of Ive got some good Mainer jokes(not for kids) though.


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## NYCFlasks (Feb 13, 2013)

I have one, "The Tiz Bottle".  Bit long, but good.  Will post it soon.


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## NYCFlasks (Feb 13, 2013)

I shortened it a bit, did not want to get too long on you.

 The Tale of the Tiz bottle.........

 Once upon a time, there was a very advanced bottle collector, perhaps the most advanced in the world, with a collection to match.  Unknown and never before seen bottles were his pride and joy, seeking them out was the driving force in his life, his mission.
 While chatting bottles one fine day while on holiday in a far off land, a passer-by stopped and inquired of the gentleman, "Do you have a Tiz bottle?".......
 The savvy  collector was taken aback, having only heard muttered rumors of such a bottle at the highest levels of the hobby, yet this stranger knew of it too.
 A Tiz bottle?  I must have it for my collection kept going through his mind.  Finally he asked if  the stranger could help him in his quest.
 A deal was struck, and the pair of adventurers were off in their quest. 
 First chartering a small boat, they headed up stream, following the ancient landmarks, until the headwaters were reached.  Unable to travel further by boat, the journey continued on foot.  Despite the razor edge on the machetes, it was slow going through the thick jungle growth, with sore arms, and sweat dripping from their brows, they soldiered on.  
 At last, good fortune shinned on the pair, an ancient pathway slowly made itself known despite the near impenetrable jungle.  Following the pathway, the journey became easier.  Leading them out of the jungle, the footpath began to ascend into the foothills of the mountains which loomed ahead. 
 Skirting rock falls, fording ice cold streams, they ventured onward.  Crossing a glacier, all was nearly lost, a hidden crevasse nearly took their lives, but as with collectors, Lady Luck shined upon the pair, and though bruised and battered, they were able to continue their quest.
 There, on a hillside, near a large boulder, the guide excitedly pointed out, there, the tunnel.  
 Wriggling into the tunnel, the entry point was barely 15 inches square, did provide relief, as it quickly opened up and one could stand.  With torches held firmly, the search continued into the heart of the mountain.
 Up the tunnel sloped, gradually but steadily upward.  Years of water dripping had created many puddles, slick floors and treacherous footing, but the collector was NOT going to be deprived of the greatest treasure in the entire bottle hobby.  Keep going was the word of the day. 
 Onward they pushed, centuries of cob webbing falling and matting into their clothing, the smoke of the torches stinging the eyes.  At last, after several miles, there it was, a large bronze and wood door, the ornate woodworking and metalsmithing were stunning to behold.  Though it was darkened by its great age, when asked, it swung freely upon its massive hinges, reveling to the eye a vast chamber, a chamber unlike any seen before.  Filled with shelves, all filled with bottles, single file, perfectly spaced bottles.  Thousands upon thousands of bottles, and to the amazement of the collector, they were all identical, exactly.  Not one bubble in the glass, not one whittle mark, not one tool line different was any bottle, as if from a bottle Xerox machine they had been created.
 Sitting there, on the right hand side as you entered the chamber, was an elderly man, his hair white, and beard long and flowing.
 "What do you seek?" he asked of the pair.
 "I seek the Tiz bottle sir." was the collectors answer.
 "I understand that you are the greatest bottle collector in the world, and that the Tiz bottle will complete your lifes work.  That you have searched this long, and covered such distance proves to me your desire for the truth, and passion for the Tiz bottle.  Allow me to show you, as I am the only one who knows the Truth of the Tiz bottle.  As you have made it your lifes work to find it, it has been mine to learn the secrets of it, and to safeguard it."
 With this, the frail man arises, and grasping from a golden hook a long thin willow rod, approaches the first shelf of bottles.  Raising the rod as a conductor, he began to sing, and as he sang, he tapped each bottle in order, to the tune.
 "My (tap) Coun (tap) Try (tap) Tiz (tap) of thee (tap)."
 With that, he turns to the collector and announces "You seek the 4th bottle, as that is the Tiz bottle, I tapped it when I sang "Tiz" in the song "My Country Tiz of thee, sweet land of Liberty"
 Reaching to the shelf, he takes it down and hands it to the collector, wishes him the best, and departs.


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## epackage (Feb 13, 2013)

I used to like you...


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## mctaggart67 (Feb 13, 2013)

Okay, this one's a bit of stretch on the bottle angle, but here goes. . .

 A cabbie picks up a fare, who's extremely drunk. The fare wobbles up to the cab and collapses into the cab's back seat. After asking his fare "Where to?" the cabbie peels off. A few minutes later, the drunk leans over the back of the front seat and slurs, "Have you got room in the front for a pizza and a six-pack?" Thinking that his fare wants to pull over and buy a pizza and six cold bottles of beer, the cabbie says, "Ya, sure. No problem." To that, the drunk responds by vomitting into the cab's front seat his stomach contents of pizza and beer.

 Ya, I know, a tenuous bottle link and gross to boot!


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## RIBottleguy (Feb 13, 2013)

Most bottle diggers start from scratch.

 What's a bottle collector's favorite horror movie?  The blob

 The punty rod is NOT an artificial foot that handicap people use to play football.

 What peculiar kind of people genuinely enjoy being  "down in the dumps"?  Bottle diggers


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## epackage (Feb 13, 2013)

I went to a bottle show many moons ago, I didn't find anything for me but I did find a nice bottle I knew my wife would love. I got really lucky and worked out a sweet trade for the Honey Amber Historical Flask, and I headed out the door. I couldn't wait to get home and show her so I headed for the NJ Turnpike, sadly it was backed up for a good two miles. 

 After 45 minutes I got to the choke point and it was another bottle collectors car stuck in the center lane. I got in behind him and pushed his car to the shoulder and we spent the next hour trying to get it running and keeping it that way for the long ride home with no luck. I decided to take him to a local garage and have the mechanic bring him back to try and fix it. He got into the car and saw the flask, he looked at me and I told him I got it in a trade for my wife.

 He looked me straight in the eye and said "Good deal, I never liked her either!".....Ha Cha Cha!!!


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## Plumbata (Feb 13, 2013)

How many Republicans does it take to fill and cap 1,000,000 bottles of coke?




















 None! No way they're getting their hands dirty actually working hard and honest for their money; that's their employee's job!


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## Plumbata (Feb 14, 2013)

How many Democrats does it take to fill 1,000,000 bottles of Coke?































 As many people as they can possibly get away with, and not 1 less left behind!


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## RICKJJ59W (Feb 14, 2013)

A priest is driving home. A police officer behind the priest notices that he is swerving a little bit, so he pulls him over. "Sir", the officer asks "Have you been drinking a little bit tonight"? "Only water," the priest replies. The officer suspicious, shines his flashlight into the priest's car. He notices an empty bottle of wine in the passenger seat. The priest follows his eyes and cries "Good Lord", he's done it again!


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## RICKJJ59W (Feb 14, 2013)

*


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## RICKJJ59W (Feb 14, 2013)

*
 Gig in a bottleeeeee


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## grizz44 (Feb 14, 2013)

Rare bottle for sale. Perfect condition except for small crack on base. Displays well!


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## Plumbata (Feb 14, 2013)

> ORIGINAL:  grizz44
> 
> Rare bottle for sale. Perfect condition except for small crack on base. Displays well!


 

 Haha! [][][]


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## Dugbottles (Feb 20, 2013)

> ORIGINAL:  Plumbata
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 
OK that one i liked []


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## tigue710 (Feb 20, 2013)

A drunk guy walks up to the bartender and exclaims, "hey, I bet you two hundred bucks that if you put this empty beer bottle on the end of the bar I can stand on the other end and pee into it, without missing drop."...  The bartender, telling the drunk he would like to see that, and thinking hes making some easy money takes the bet.  He places the bottle at the end of the bar, the drunk crawls up and stands, wobbling at the other end.  He undoes is zipper and commences to pee all over the bar, the floor and splatters a couple drops on the bartender for good measure!  A littler irritated but happy with his winnings the bartender collects his due.  Before they drunk can walk away he asks him, "so tell me, what made you think you could do that?"  The drunk replies "I didnt think I could do it, but you see those guys sitting in the corner over there staring at us?  I just bet them 5 hundred bucks I could piss all over the bar and not get kicked out!"


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## Steve/sewell (Feb 20, 2013)

> ORIGINAL:  tigue710
> 
> A drunk guy walks up to the bartender and exclaims, "hey, I bet you two hundred bucks that if you put this empty beer bottle on the end of the bar I can stand on the other end and pee into it, without missing drop."...  The bartender, telling the drunk he would like to see that, and thinking hes making some easy money takes the bet.  He places the bottle at the end of the bar, the drunk crawls up and stands, wobbling at the other end.  He undoes is zipper and commences to pee all over the bar, the floor and splatters a couple drops on the bartender for good measure!  A littler irritated but happy with his winnings the bartender collects his due.  Before they drunk can walk away he asks him, "so tell me, what made you think you could do that?"  The drunk replies "I didnt think I could do it, but you see those guys sitting in the corner over there staring at us?  I just bet them 5 hundred bucks I could piss all over the bar and not get kicked out!"


 [sm=thumbup1.gif][sm=lol.gif][sm=lol.gif]


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## Steve/sewell (Feb 20, 2013)

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

 However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

 That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

 The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

 The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.

 A little while later, the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."


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## Steve/sewell (Feb 20, 2013)

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says you have drunk a whole case of Irish Stout ,and your over the limit and I cant serve you another drop you need to go home and sleep it off. So the Irishman stands up to leave but falls flat on his face. He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

 Once outside he tries again to stand up and but again falls flat on his face!!. At this point all the Irishman can do is crawl home. When he arrives at home he again tries to stand up, only to fall flat on his face. At this point he realizes he is very drunk and continues to crawl through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one last time to stand up,he fails again and this time he falls right into bed and falls sound asleep.

 He awakens the next morning to find his wife standing over him shouting. " So you've been out drinking again!!!" " He knows he has but he lies anyway and says no I have doll! Honest Ive been here for hours. " The wife says under her breath Oh yeah, the pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."


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## diggerdirect (Feb 21, 2013)

Blonde on a plane

 A plane is on its way to toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section, takes a sample bottle of scotch from the tray and sits down.

 The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

 He then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

 The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

 The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class drinking scotch, that she belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.

 The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

 The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

 The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

 The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

 He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy..

 The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

 "I told her softly, "First class isn't going to toronto ".


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